Sex: Part 2 - Sex and Sexuality

"Muslim men are afraid of a woman's sexuality, that's why she has to hide under cloth."

This was another statement told to me, that I felt deserved its own blog slot.

Firstly, let me just say that no Muslim woman hides, we cover. Most of the women I know are quite confident and have no need to hide anything. We cover our bodies as much as we feel is right for our religion and as a worship to God. For some women that would be completely in black covered from head to foot and for others it would be partially in black with regular loose clothing and for others it would be a range of colours and very creatively but still very modestly covered. 

In the Uk, women are free to express their sexuality in any way they wish. For Muslim women, most of that expression happens in the privacy of their own home as part of a family growing up as a child with your siblings and subsequently as a wife with your husband. Once a woman is within the privacy of her own home with her husband, she can be as creative as she likes, wearing what she likes and being as sexually expressive as she likes to be. I can imagine that most husbands would not have a problem with their wife expressing her sexuality at home, within the confines of their marriage, however fierce that sexuality is. 

Sex is a part of sexuality and I get the impression that non Muslims think that Muslim women are so restricted that we are not allowed to be normal and powerful in ourselves within a private and intimate situation. That's so rubbish.

My realisation of my own sexuality came about quite a bit later than what is considered 'normal' I guess because I had other things occupying my mind, like safety from harmful people. Whenever a man came within a meter distance I'd be so conscious of his presence and how I could escape if he became aggressive, I didn't have room in my mind for any other thoughts or feelings during puberty. I still felt the same when I got married as my husband wasn't in the least bit affectionate and so I didn't catch up with myself, sexuality-wise, until just as I was getting divorced, which truly is funny. 

Sex and sexuality is celebrated in Islam, it's just celebrated in a context that protects both people and gives them privacy to be themselves. It annoys me so badly much when non Muslims suggest that to be out, proud and confident with your sexuality is the only way to have freedom in this area, if it's not all on show then you're not free apparently. Another load of rubbish. Just because there are some horror stories from within the Islamic society about suppressed females being bullied and intimidated, it doesn't at all mean that's the norm or the majority. Neither would it be for me to assume that when I see girls vomit all over the street from binge drinking, that all non religious girls behaved like this or held these values.

Allah has given us guidelines as to the proper context for a woman to express her sexuality. In this context there is protection, safety, trust and commitment and in the other there are manifold dangers, no trust or commitment. Just luck and often poor judgement.

Islam offers protection to women, safety and true value. 

Marine A: James O'Brien @LBC

James' first discussion of the day and as usual, some good quality callers to the show saying why they either support the action against this marine or why they don't.

My interest was in the "we are better than them" line from James. If we (meaning those embracing western ideology), are better than them, then we have to be better than them all the time and not change our morals when it suits us, one caller suggested. Having moral superiority and moral high ground, two things James suggested we have here in the UK, are what I am struggling with.

Do we really have the moral high ground in western society? I'm not just considering the absence of barbaric killing as an indicator of a better society, because we do our fair share of barbarism just not on our own shores. I'm looking at all of society across the board.

I'm looking at our teenage pregnancy rate... our prison system... our binge drinking culture... the sexualisation in our music culture that young kids copy.. . our ability to ignore the most vulnerable people in our society... elderly... disabled... orphans and mentally I'll.

Are we morally superior? Are we better? Do we have freedom? Or are we in the west, trapped in our own version of slavery to capitalism and commercialism. How is that freedom? That's just another form of dictatorship with the allusion of freedom of choice.

It's not as black and white and that's the reason we can't stomp into another country, take down a despot then attempt to change their system of governance claiming our western democratic way is better. Imposing on them something that will never work and leave pridefully thinking we've done a good job.

Since becoming a Muslim and experiencing the morals taught from an Islamic point of view. Proper Islam, not some half-ass version spouted by some armchair scholar or misguided nom. It reinforces my decision that I made a few years ago to revert and I look at the lost western society in which I live and feel sad.

The UK constantly puts itself in other countries' business with a prideful superiority that has proven to be illegal and disastrously wrong on more than one occasion. We side with evil dictators when it suits us financially, leave despots in power when they have nothing we need, like oil and then we wonder why we get kickbacks and bring trouble to our yard.

We are not better, we are no better and we have enough affairs of our own to be dealing with, getting right, treating right those in our own country, to be meddling in the affairs of dragons.

Donald Drumpf wouldn't have worked so well

When this whole Donald Trump thing blew up about him advocating banning all Muslims from the US, my initial reaction was a momentary "ugh" of recognition for his ignorance and stupidity. Then I lost interest as would be expected of any rational person.  Then when the petition to ban him from the UK gathered momentum, I didn't understand why people were being so serious about it all but I enjoyed the comedy of others pointing out the cataclysmic holes in his logic and learning about other disturbing comments he's made, like the one about his daughter! Now I'm decidedly undecided as to whether to take his comments about banning Muslims seriously or not.

On one hand, his views on most things are unintelligent to the point where they're funny even and you kind of get the feeling everyone must realise that right? On the other hand,  he's finding popularity with those backward Americans who think as he does and by him speaking out, have been afforded validation in their own bigoted views. 

Then there are those people who reject most of what he says but join with him on this particular issue because they see a terrorist behind every brown-skinned beardy-man and hijabi clad woman and feel that he, at least, would do something to alleviate their anxiety in trying to reject all suspected Muslims from entering their country. What the heck he does about Muslims born in America I have no idea. I imagine living in a country with such bad feeling towards your whole religion and way of life, they'd be avoided/ostracized at best and attacked/killed at worst.

Too far? I don't know. The kind of people who feel this way only need a few others to agree with them and before you know it you've got a mob intent on 'eliminating terrorism' for the sake of National Security. Isn't that what Trump is advocating?

Ironically isn't he causing terror by his proposed actions? How many American Muslims feel fear at the hate being stirred up against Islam and against them as Muslims? Probably the majority I would guess. How many have witnessed or experienced increased incidents of verbal or physical hate towards them more recently?

I certainly have in the UK. I'm glad actually...I'd rather know exactly what's there and deal with it, than it bubbling under the surface while people dance around with acceptable terms suppressing what they really think and feel.

Let him in, invite him on James O'Brien show @LBC let's see if he can respond to reason and logic. If not, then James can at least have some fun!

Health is Wealth

Someone told me this recently "Health is wealth" and I thought it was weird as I'd not heard the saying before. No wonder, as in my society and culture if you're sick, the welfare system catches you. Where as in many other countries, there is absolutely nothing. I've never had to think of that before imagining myself in that situation. As rubbish as my situation was growing up, I had something.

I've been thinking about nothing else much all this week. What if there was nothing, no cash because of illness and no work, no doctor to see without cash, no roof over my head or any prospect of one soon, no school to go to, no medicine even for the simplest infection.

Living somewhere in the world where, if you are sick, you cannot work and therefore you do not eat and if you are really sick, you are not only poor but, you most likely will not live.

It's not news to me how difficult it is for people in other countries.

I just didn't consider it as a reality for me before, just as a fact of others' lives for which I felt enormous sympathy.

If that was my reality, sympathy wouldn't feed me or clothe me or get me medicines.

How do you receive love?

I have been leaning about love because I have a baby girl and really I need to know how to love properly. It doesn't come natural to me at all but in general, I don't think any of us should take for granted that we know what love is and how to love someone. I found this list on the net helping you figure out what way you receive love.

You have to also ask the other person how they receive love too....not how you want to give it to them. I know it seems dumb but it's actually really helpful. I bet if you asked your significant other about this list, you might be surprised what they would answer.

For instance, below is how I receive love. Where as my friend Sophie said she likes her love to be in the form of expensive  gifts and flowers. So it would be no good Sophie's boyfriend trying to show love to her by doing acts of service for her, she said she wouldn't notice or appreciate them.

(A) Words of Affirmation...I get so embarrassed about this when it happens. I never know what to say. Even 'thank you' seems awkward and I visibly go red which I hate. So this one is truly uncomfortable and I don't prefer it, so it's my number 4

(B) Acts of Service... yeh I like this one. This would include bringing up your kid. Being a good wife.  Doing the laundry, making a cup of tea....etc.  I like this one because it's mostly indirect and yet really powerful that you are choosing to love someone even when you're tired and feeling lazy, if you still do things then you are forcing yourself to put another first. Sometimes that's easy; sometimes not so much. This would be number 2 on my list.

(C) Receiving Gifts... Nope, hate this one, hate it, for me.....nope. Too funny. Oh wait, unless it is something meaningful like something cooked or like the mum in one of my foster homes that made me a embroidered pencil case with my name on it. I really loved that so much. This is number 5 for me, right at the bottom. Generally I'm not a gifts person.

(D) Quality Time... Not especially. I mean I like time with someone who I love but not like....contrived time....especially set apart for me only. I hate that kind of attention haha....it makes me embarrassed too. If it happened naturally then sure, I would love it but Quality Time, suggests it's set apart especially. Number 3 on my list.

(E) Physical Touch... This is my number one. It's my most awkward one as I still never had it even though I was married for over a year, he didn't like to hug or anything and I wasn't confident enough to initiate it for the whole entire year ha!. I love hugging my baby girl though and rocking her to sleep.

So based on this list, I probably would love someone in the same way that I like to be loved. Which wouldn't be appropriate for someone else. Be it a friend, family or husband. We all need to be aware of how the other person receives love and act accordingly.

Fragmented Ummah, Bombing Syria & My Hijab

I have been disappointed, saddened and even distraught recently, at how some brothers and sisters of our Ummah are behaving towards each other, in light of the current change in climate, towards regular practicing Muslims in the UK.

I've noticed a marked change towards myself as a Muslim and accounts from others are similar. More general pushing, shoving when I am out - even with my baby girl, more tugs at my hijab as I walk by - then when I turn around you can't tell who pulled at it, more tuts, huffs, "f***in foreigners", more silence when I walk into a room, more barbed and overtly hostile questions and more suspicion shown when I answer. I can cope with all this....what I can't deal with is when other Muslims, for whatever reason, I don't know, decide to call po on regular brothers and sisters who maybe aren't as *moderate* as themselves.

But I guess when you sell out your own, you are alleviating your fears of people pointing the finger at you. When you cause some innocent brother or sister to have their life turned upside down and humiliated, you are racking up enough reps with the authorities in the UK, to be able to be considered a 'Good Muslim'....it actually makes me feel desperately sad and a little bit nauseous.

Being pious and trying to follow strictly your religion, doesn't mean you have terrorist tendencies. wanting to see a legitimate Islamic State emerge, doesn't mean you are a terrorist. Agreeing with the concept of Jihad, doesn't mean you want to jump on a plane and cause it to crash or strap a bomb to your chest and murder anyone who doesn't agree with you.

So the Western media are producing headlines (1in5) that are producing more Islamaphobia and Muslims are allowing themselves to be fragmented. When more devastating incidents happen on UK soil because we bombed Syria and inflamed the situation, we'll all no doubt cry many more tears albeit for quite different reasons.

The major powers caused this mess and are intent on making even more decisions that will make it worse.

I don't know what the answer is for peace. I am 22 and was born in England UK and am Anglo-Saxon ethnically, so I have only a cursory knowledge of the complex political issues that have influenced the East/West. What I do know though is, what I feel like in my country, when I am attacked for my faith, when I see my brothers and sisters in Islam dying in their thousands all over the world with no little outrage or assistance on their behalf. When I see western powers stay quiet concerning some brutal regimes while castigating others and when those same powers make mutually beneficial deals with some despots while taking down others in the interests of international peace.

It makes me rage, it makes me want to move, to live somewhere else where, as a woman, I am free to dress how I like, instead of being vilified for how I dress. In a Muslim-majority country, I will be given the freedom to dress how I like.

Oh the irony.

Militant Muslimah

I have had an on/off relationship with my niqab (nose/mouth covering).

Ever since I became a Muslim, I have always worn hijab (head-scarf) and ababya (long black dress) while out and about. While I was preparing to get married, I found out that my future husband preferred his wife to wear niqab, which I was happy to do.

Since I got divorced, I removed my niqab.

The thing I noticed is that when I took my niqab off, I haven't had any harassment from abusive people when I am out in public like I had when I wore it. You might think I would be happy about this, but I am really vexed and determined actually, as I know other women are going through awful cowardly abuse for being Muslim when they are out in public. Mostly from chav men, sometimes women,

So I decided to start wearing my niqab again and I would urge other sisters who want to wear it, to do so as well. Why should any of us have to be made to feel uncomfortable for being Muslim in the UK in these days!? It's outrageous and as Muslim women and sisters, we need to fight against it. These are some of the incidents I personally know of that have happened to women.

spitting
touching private areas as they pass
pulling hard on hijab to try and remove it
pushing over
abusive comments "paki whore"
"filthy Muslim bitch"
"ISIS whore"
"traitor"
"f*****g terrorist"

• Every girl needs to be trained in basic physical self-defense.
• Every girl needs to carry a small spray can of anti-vandal paint. Apparently it stains the skin so badly for a few days so, sprayed on the face of the abuser it will leave a bad mark
• Every girl needs to report every incident to the police. I know it's bare long and they don't always do anything but it will help with the stats at the end of the years and flag these incidences as an issue in society.

I tell you this now though, the next man who spit on my clothing, InshaAllah will wish he had not. I have had enough of ignoring it.

Sex: Part 1 - Balance of Power

"For Muslims, it seems that men can be promiscuous before marriage, it's frowned upon but kind of quietly accepted and women absolutely cannot indulge their sex drive or they are looked upon as filthy and damaged goods. Ergo men have more sexual power than women"

Someone at work spat this at me recently and I didn't attempt to counter it as the person wasn't interested in a debate.

I see it like this...an Islamic frame of reference is that sex before marriage is not permitted. On the whole, single women in Islam are protected more from this 'sin' than men, as they are accompanied at most, if not all, times - where as men are not as protected. Men are largely left unprotected and with generally more visual prompts and more opportunity, they can decide to have sex outside Islamic boundaries more easily than women and often with little or no consequences. Therefore men are more vulnerable than women are in this area. Women would have to circumvent fathers, brothers, uncles and sisters too.

Therefore I would say, in answer to the original statement, men generally have less power than women as women have more assistance to remain chaste from family and community.

If you view sex outside of marriage as a normal and part of your freedom in life, then you would view the ability to indulge in sexual activity whenever you liked, as being a powerful choice to make. If, however, you view promiscuity as harmful and morally wrong, then it's easy to feel for a Muslim man's position as being more vulnerable and less powerful than your own as a woman. I certainly feel this way and don't see there being in any way an imbalance in power in favour of the man. It is very hard on a man to walk through a whole entire day looking at his shoes, especially in the west.

Having said that, in some ways, men have less pressure on them during their arranged marriage as hardly any female I know stipulates to a potential husband that they want a virgin man and in any case, a deceptive man could simply bluff his way forward and not pull out of any further meetings. Where as, if a man stipulates that he is looking to marry a virgin, there is physical evidence on her part to make her fear being asked this question, if she had ever crossed this line in Islam. I often wonder what his reaction would be if she replied that she was not a virgin and it was not down to her choice that this was the case. How could he make such a stipulation then walk away after such an answer. If he stays she will know his true thoughts, if he leaves, he will feel like a tool knowing that this probably crushed her.

Maybe not making any stipulation from either side would be better.

I know it's testosterone but, I do wonder why men are more physically powerful than women in general, why Allah swt designed it that way? Physical protection of women and family? That's why it's such a bad thing when women come across physically abusive men. Something that should be so safe and intoxicating for a woman, becomes a thing of fear or mistrust.

I wonder if women had the penis and men the vagina, things might be different?

Goldilocks and the Three Bares

Goldilocks: I hate some kids books; cars that talk, pigs that dance, caterpillars that eat cake....I have only recently become more aware of kids books since I had a baby and I am not impressed with their quality at all. I think the author missed an opportunity with the caterpillar book in that, they could have taught kids all about the various leaves in the world that the caterpillar might have eaten. Kids could have learned something true and useful while also being captivated by the lovely story and the enchanting illustrations.

Bare Lying: Why do people lie to kids and call it imaginating? Kids can't differentiate between truth and make-believe at such a young age. They believe eveything you tell them until they realise one day that it's not true. You can fantasise without it being factually incorrect. I remember Molly's Farm about the adventures of a cat on a farm. Mog & Bunny about a cat in a family and what they all get up to. Here's a little Baby 123.... about peeking through the window and seeing what the family is up to. There are some seriously lovely books out there without anything stupid in them.

Bare Letdown: What happens when the kid gets older and realises that motor vehicles can't talk. Old toys don't come to life and the princess doesn't always have a 18 inch waist with legs up to her ears! Give them real and then let them use their imagination, don't give them lies and call it something else. Do you think that any of this early information has anything to do with so many teenagers chasing after fame and celebrity? I do, after being fed a diet of make-believe crud when little, they get to adulthood and are not happy with real life? Of course! They want instant make-believe instead of hard work and reality.

Bare Funny: I don't think it would have been an acceptable excuse to tell my teacher that I was late for class or actually didn't turn up because in my fantasy, school started at a different time. She would have had a fit, not praised me for my imagination. Or that I was sailing on my way to Mauritious for a long vacation and had permission from the wicked head teacher who banished me to a land of pink grass and no dogs. Somehow I think her actual detention would have spanked me back to reality.

Anger: "Let it Go....Let it Go..."

We all have the capacity to carry a lot of anger around inside of us because of a parent (or anyone I suppose), that treated us badly. If left unchecked, sooner or later that anger will become part of us...then it will become all of us until it is the first thing others notice about us. Becoming an angry person happens so slow and will infect every other area of our lives without us truly being aware. Then one day we realise it has become too ingrained to change it.

I can't change what my mum did to me. I can't punish her for the rest of her life with my anger because if she was such an abusive parent, would it really vex her any? Doubt it. It would only infect me, my life, my future happiness and the life of my beautiful baby girl.


The reason I could be angry...

My mum clearly didn't have the capacity in her to care for me. She left me without food, without protection and without love. I was one of them babies who used not to cry, like not ever, even when the doctor was examining the fractures I would either scream or shout out in pain but never cry. You get used to it that no one comes to help you so you never learn that crying elicits assistance, loving arms and comfort. How do I know this? Because I read some of my reports from when I was a kid and what those responsible for me wrote and also because of how I am now in adulthood. It is only recently since having a baby of my own that made my heart open to her smile, that I can cry when I feel extreme emotional pain. Someone said to me recently, "Don't cry, you're stronger than that". If they knew how much strength it takes for me to let it out when I am not used to doing that, they wouldn't have instructed me in such a ignorant manner.

Catherine, my mum, let all sorts of dangerous wasters into the flat where we lived with little or no regard to our safety. I remember being picked up off the floor by people I didn't want to be held by and struggling to get down. I remember bad smells everywhere from my environment and from people who came in and out. I can't bear to go into a skanky place now because it makes me feel claustrophobic and I instantly feel like I am a tiny kid. I mean, I can do it and I deal with it so that on the surface no one would know what I'm experiencing, but inside I am not feeling good, like I want to get out real fast, like I can't breathe. I am generally really sensitive to odour, good and bad I can't tolerate strong smells. My shower gel is fragrance-free and even though I love perfume, I have to put it on with a dropper from a bottle because even one spray, sprays too much for me. However, on the flip side, this is all excellent for my job as a HCA of course, as I can detect a (UTI) water infection at 50 meters! Too funny.

According to reports I have read about me, I used to eat anything I could find, raw bacon, old pizza, really anything within reach that was edible and some things that were not. I do recall feeling hungry, really hungry like it makes you feel sick you're so hungry. As I realised later on, eventually that feeling goes away and you get used to not doing anything about it. I have known people to over-eat in adulthood as a result of this similar childhood experience, but it had the opposite effect on me. Consequently, I have to eat now because it's a meal-time, as my feelings of hunger don't remind me to eat, I don't even realise I am feeling hungry until someone alerts me to my stomach rumbling.  The same with fluids, I could go all day without a drink and not realise that I am thirsty at all. The flip side to this is that, I can fast really well!

In the first 5 years of my life, I had old fractures, healed cigarette burns, I was malnourished and otherwise neglected. I, fortunately and unfortunately, landed in the system and subsequently grew up there.


What I learned...

As a result of my husband's family intervening, mum was drug-free and clean from Ramadan 2014 until well after Ramadan 2015 and in that time my relationship with her was total weirdness for me. I mean a big fat puzzle most of the time like I didn't even know what expression to put on my face.

As she detoxed, her usually gaunt-looking face, filled out, she went from being severely under-weight to a healthy size 10, her pale skin cleared up and became rosy, she went to the dentist and her smile looked nice, her naturally blonde hair became shiny because her diet improved and she started to look attractive even. So-much-so, that one day, I calculated that she was much closer to my husband's age group than I was and laughed when I realised why I had done that!

I used to look at her when she was asleep and know her face, speak to her and know her voice but I had no clue at all who she was. I didn't have any affection feelings towards her or any other feelings actually, not even of anger or resentment, just indifference, maybe not even indifference idk. Mum related to me like we were off some ad on TV like nothing bad had ever occurred between us which I wasn't mad about, just curious as to how she got to that place. I asked my husband if I should talk to her about growing up and he said no because it might upset her, haha... I did have quite a big reaction to him saying that but I kept it to myself and decided to mention it gently to her anyway.

I asked her if she remembered very much about me as a baby and all she seemed to remember were funny instances where I had made her laugh either doing or saying something. I probed a little deeper and told her I remembered feeling hungry a lot and she laughed and said I was always a hungry baby. I was slightly irritated by her answers and asked her bluntly if she felt Social Services had done the right thing when they took me off her at aged 5. I regretted asking that one as soon as it shot out my mouth but it was too late. She went quiet and finally said, yes because she couldn't cope with me. I left it before we really went there and changed the subject. She clearly didn't and still doesn't have the capacity. Even without the drugs, I don't know if she ever would have had it.


Why I think I am not angry...

1. The biggest one for me...I don't want to be that person. I decided at age 13 who and how I wanted to be in life and angry wasn't part of it.

2. It is a futile exercise to get into it with someone when the ground is not level to start with. If you do, you are simply exploiting their disadvantage and being abusive to them to make your own self feel better. You don't even feel better anyways...if you behave like this in a unequal situation you just end up feeling like a total c.

3. She is a mother and she is my mother. I don't say that with any loyalty to her. I say it out of respect to the status of motherhood. Islam has taught me this valuable lesson, alhamdulillah!

4. Finally, I used to have an old black leather man's, quite heavy, boot that I carried around with me when I was age 5-6ish I wouldn't let it go and would scream and bite if you took it off me. I remember sucking the laces (I know yuk) and cutting my mouth and hands on the metal hooks down the front. It was skanky and I needed to let it go. When I was first in hospital the nurse put a huge soft brown bear on the end of my cot which was so big I couldn't carry them both. I did try for a while but eventually I let go of the boot. If you choose not to be angry, then you have to put something in its place like kindness, warmth etc. something that you purposely do that actively moves you forward in the situation.

I was both kind and warm to my mum all that year and it allowed me to gain some healing that I wouldn't have got if I had been angry. But I had to jump in with both feet, I couldn't do it half-ass and begrudgingly. I had to decide to BE that person with all my heart. Trust her? No. Be vulnerable to her? No. Be her child and try to get what I didn't have? Nope. It's gone and I'm an adult now, I can only love her as an adult and expect nothing back as she is an addict and always will be, clean or not.

Some people call it 'being the bigger person' but I hate that phrase because it has a condescending air to it like a step to feel superior standing on. It's not a behaviour you employ, it's deeper than that, much deeper. It requires you to let the whole anger/resentment thing go. Seriously, just let it go!

That reminds me of a friend who sang a song...

The M........... Word

A 'brother' implied that I didn't have any modesty (haya) the other day. If he had been in my presence I get the feeling he wouldn't have mustered the courage to voice such an opinion. If he had, he would have experienced something similar to standing too close to Big Ben when it chimed and most certainly would have left with the deafening gong of my response ringing in his ears. He typed it online so, that tells you how big his bells are.

It got me thinking about modesty which is an important theme throughout Islam. I want to highlight some thoughts about modest clothing.


Modesty and Congruence

Modesty is more than just your clothes, modesty first comes from inside and affects your clothes, your behaviour, your opinion of yourself, your general attitude and just about every area of life. I can't dress as a niqabi and call myself modest, there has to be congruence. It has to be a state of being of which my clothing only affirms.

I met this woman recently and I noticed her breasts before I saw her face! Bernadette - a beautiful, curvy, cheerful, lively personality who I had the pleasure of measuring up for a uniform at work...too funny! She told me what size she was but I asked to measure her to double check. Good job I did as her top was two sizes too small and her skirt was too! It was one of those weird situations that makes you do a double take - a niqabi woman totally covered and woman with all her womanliness proudly on display, both alone in the same room - just made me smile. I couldn't let the situation go unremarked so I just laughed and said to her "Look at us!" (makes me laugh even now when I think about it - seriously funny). As I was measuring her up she just kept saying "Sorry about me boobies girl". I liked her a lot immediately.

What I learned from her was that she had more integrity than I did and more congruence. Her personality matched her clothing matched her behaviour matched her lifestyle. She made me think of the last time I was wearing  niqab and screamed an obscenity at some lorry driver bloke for cutting me up.

In general, I think people are way too busy criticising others for where they don't measure up to notice where they, themselves fall down.


Imposed Modesty

If you impose modesty on another person, it will never be anything more than an outward prison that the person circumvents at the first opportunity. I hear stories from elderly residents at work where they used to hitch up their skirts on the way to school after they left home or unbutton their shirts a little lower. Hijabis tell me as teenagers they used to wear hijab but with pretty gold pins, sparkly embellishments, half a bottle of perfume, skinny jeans, the blackest eye liner and the loudest, redest lipstick. Also, Muslim men who wear the tightest of t shirts in the summer and even tighter jeans!

It's better to teach modesty and have a discussion about it. Allow any person to choose it, even a small kid. Making good choices starts from such an early age in life and if you allow it and guide it, instead of imposing it, then they are far more likely to make good choices when you let go of them in adulthood.

I was always quite modest as a teenager because I tried to remain physically safe from paedos and other fkwads who hung around kids homes but as a teen, no way would I have accepted any authoritative imposition on any topic. So what happens when your kid chooses what you consider to be inappropriate clothing for their age? Do you go all Hulk on them or do you play it down, under-react, keep praying, exercise patience and trust Allah (swt). What would happen if you stayed neutral and the moment you see something you like and is modest, praise them and hug them, tell them they look beautiful? It's rents who create conflict with teenagers I swear! Don't make a war about everything, try respecting another person's decision no matter how old they are and work with them. I think it would produce less friction and more mutual respect.

If we are taught and accept the concept of modesty and understand why it's valuable, then that will eventually reflect on our outward appearance and all other areas of life.

Married One Year - Divorced The Next

I thought I had learned so much about the behaviour of abusive people given my physically violent start in life and I felt I had the knowledge and awareness to choose someone who would never smack me up. But somehow I still ended up marrying a physically abusive man.

My husband: quiet, studious, softly spoken, has a well mannered, polite son, respected in his community, does a lot of good work for others, takes care of his parents. For the first year that we spent married, he was calm, polite, respectful, generous, helpful, thoughtful and never hurt me. We didn't even argue and he never raised even his voice not to his son and never to me when I made errors. Always let me know in advance when he 'needed me' if you get me and I was getting used to his routine and making him happy. We were both happy. No idea at all what was around the corner.

Then out of the blue, the first punch that fractured my eye socket, he apologised for and I thought to myself, that doesn't make him an abuser just because he lost it once. Maybe we need some guidance and advice. The second hit a little later, I didn't give him chance to apologise. I knew this would continue and would maybe even get worse. Especially as his first wife had reported him on 3 or 4 occasions for domestic abuse which I found out by accident. That second punch woke me up from la-la-land.

I spent some time trying to figure out how this all happened. How I allowed this to happen. How I became that woman included in the stats of women who follow the cycle of familial abuse. I stumbled upon this article online by Steven Stosny Ph.D, and laughed in disbelief as I read it because some of it described exactly where I had gone wrong.

Hindsight sucks!

"Very Early Warning Sign #1 : A Blamer: Avoid anyone who blames his negative feelings and bad luck on someone else. Special care is necessary here, as blamers can be really seductive in dating."

I didn't date him so I wouldn't know about seduction, he's not the seductive kind anyhow and I didn't think my husband was a blamer. He takes responsibility for himself and expects others to but he did at one time say that his current limited situation was due to the death of his first wife, which I figured was a pretty reasonable statement and understandable given that he might be still grieving. I remember thinking that maybe he just needed the love of a new and very different woman to comfort him. Then I read this below...

"Hearing this kind of thing might make you think that all he really needs is the understanding and love of a good woman to change his luck."

This was the first heart-sink of recognition for me. Thinking you can fix someone. Now I type it out loud, I can see how dumb it is. You can't change anyone, not even to fix them. I should have only looked for a whole person not a broken one but I just felt sympathy because I recognised I wasn't the finished article myself so, how can I offer myself with my flaws and faults and expect the other person not to have any. I just didn't see this as that big of a deal.

"Very Early Warning Sign #3: Entitlement
Driven by high standards..."

He has such high standards and expects others to as well. I knew this going in and figured it would enable me to bring my best game to our marriage. I didn't in any way see this as a precursor of abuse but maybe together with other characteristics in a person, could be unhealthy I guess.

"After the glow of infatuation wears off, the entitled person will regard his feelings and desire as more important than yours. If you agree, you'll get depressed. If you disagree, you'll get abused."

This is exactly what started to happen after that first year. I noticed some tweaks we could make to our relationship and encouraged them. He wasn't happy with my suggestions and set about letting me know. I couldn't understand why he was so bothered by such simple and benign tweaks but I guess looking back on it now, knowing his unusual views...

"Very Early Warning Sign #4 Superiority 
Potential abusers tend to have hierarchical self-esteem, i.e., they need to feel better than someone else to feel okay about themselves. They need to point out ways in which they are smarter, more sensitive, or more talented than others...........A variation on this very early warning sign is self-righteousness. If you dare to disagree with him, you will not only be wrong but immoral!"

I took this to be a high self-esteem, which I liked and was attracted to in him and self confidence is a good thing. What I didn't realise, until I disagreed with him, was that I had become exactly that in his eyes, immoral. After me suggesting that we might be more affectionate to each other, he told me I was either to be his wife or his whore and he asked me... which was it to be? He regarded kissing and other affectionate expressions within a regular day for a regular couple, to be part of the "seductiveness of a whore" (his words not mine). A wife is supposed to be above this carnal need and instead keep herself shy and quiet at all times!

Given that we didn't have a relationship before we got married, I had no idea of his views. I did think our first year was a bit different to how I imagined but the thing is, I so looked up to him and felt so blessed to have married him and got a family....I had a family....my family where I belonged, I didn't want to rock that boat and was just grateful for having that. I know...I know...what you're thinking if you're reading this. It's exactly what I would be thinking too if I was reading.

"A greater sense of your core values will give you more confidence that you can detect the very early warning signs of abuse. Listen compassionately to the faint messages of your hungry heart. Then it won't need to make the kind of desperate outcries that suspend your best judgment, scare off appropriate matches, and attract resentful, angry, or abusive partners."

Thing is, I would have said I had good core values and still believe I do. What I didn't do is recognise and admit that I had a "hungry heart" as Steven Stosny Ph.D, puts it. Pride was an issue for me and to admit needs was a weakness so I didn't ever admit many/any. I did get married quickly maybe because I was scared and possibly did 'suspend my best judgement' and I def would have 'scared off' more appropriate matches with my defensiveness.

22 and soon to be divorced. Totally gave myself to the wrong person.

And if I had any doubts about not getting divorced...my husband gave my mum notice of eviction to leave his other property and I have no idea where she is now. Probably back with her old smack heads getting wrecked. I thought his help in getting her clean was generosity and compassion but I realise now it was simply an extra means of control.

How Much Is That Poppy In The Window...

People are more willing to adopt a puppy than a Poppy!

I know the process of adopting a kid is bare, long effort with so many intrusive questions and when you finally get approved it can be an emotional roller-coaster with a support system that often fails and nominal financial recompense but surely the moral rewards and sense of having done one's societal duty supersede all that?

It's an issue close to me because I was never adopted. I was always a bit to "full of beans" the social worker used to tell me but I knew she meant, trouble ha!

To me, societys' obsession with dogs always made me feel worth less than one of them, so I came to not want to be around any dogs at all. I would go into school mates houses and completely ignore them even when it was clear they were wriggling round my legs for a fuss. I would refuse to be fostered by a dog lover saying they made me sneeze and I think I am allergic. I would stare at them strung up outside shops until they barked at me so bad then I'd cry and make like I was scared until the owner came and yelled at them. I really saw them as direct competition to me for a home. As a kid I remember thinking, I want that affection and love, maybe if I stole their dog away, they might adopt me instead, haha... Who knows where I was going to stash all those yapping, stinky, stolen dogs. The flaw in my logic is that the idiot people would only go get another dam dog!

Ok so that wasn't the only flaw.

So here we are ten years later and majority of people still don't even consider fostering or adopting kids who have been abandoned by their parents or who have been taken away because of neglect or abuse.

I talk to people at length about this at every given opportunity, I try really hard at convincing people to look into it, seriously, what's one more kid? I ask people in their face, with intense eye contact, have they ever considered it....I can see they're uncomfortable and often stumble over their answer.....too funny! I know, maybe too mean as well. But I can't think of a solution to this problem and I try really hard to be an effective advocate but I have never convinced anyone to say yes they will start, or even look into the process.

I could be searching for an answer at the wrong end of the spectrum. What if the solution is in somehow stopping wasters from producing offspring year after year. Like if you are a drug addict then you have to be temporarily prevented from having kids. If you've been convicted of a serious crime or several serious crimes, same. Why should these people have rights to be a mum or dad when they clearly can't be trusted to be one? That should be part of the 'liberty' that is taken from them when they choose a path in life that is incompatible with basic parenting skills, rather than oftentimes irrevocably damaging a life and leaving the rest of society to pick up the pieces.

However, there's not much difference in that position than being vexed at fat people and smokers for overburdening the NHS and I fully reject it when people get all outraged about those with more easily identifiable habits than others with habits more hidden but still as burdensome to our health service.

Maybe I should get together a protest group outside Battersea Dogs Home, like they do outside abortion clinics with all the bad points of getting a dog then give out literature that says..."A kid won't lick it's bum in front of visitors, try to hump their leg or crap on your carpet. They won't bite the postman, give you costly vet bills or eat your expensive shoes!"

Rape: "Why didn't you make it more difficult for him?"

We have to stop conflating these two issues...

The person who is drunk and the person who thieves from them.
The person who is dressed attractively and the person who rapes them.
The person who is shy, sweet, helpful, friendly, trusting, kind...and the person who harms them.

It is nurture and nature that causes someone to do wrong to another person. Either by way of a severe and sometimes undiagnosed mental illness or because the person has learned bad ways or not learned good ways. Either ways, they are that person. They are a rapist, mugger, robber, serial killer... etc...and nothing any victim did caused them to suddenly turn into that person.

Let's take rape....some people say the victims of rape make it too easy for the rapist to rape them. Dressing in showy way, behaving unguarded, immodest.

My question is...Why should the victim take any part of any blame because in, society's opinion, they didn't make it as difficult as they could for the perpetrator?

As Muslim women, we could be seen to be making it 'as difficult as we possibly can' for rapists when we wear our long black dresses, hair and face coverings - Muslim women still experience rape.

So clearly, even with that single example, we can see that no amount of making it difficult or easy for a criminal intent on acting out their sick fantasy, makes any of the haters actions the victim's fault.
If you hold the opinion that all rape victims must make it as difficult as possible for a rapist to rape them. Doesn't that lead to people staying indoors with alarmed entry points and guard dogs outside trained to kill?

Going too far? Ok so how far is not too far? Where is the line that is reasonable for protecting yourself? How much must we all shrink back into life-limiting isolation so that the haters can roam free looking at women like they want to eat them?

Don't put ourselves in harms' way? Drinking, dressing provocatively, walking alone?

So....the criminal owns the streets and by walking along them alone, dressed provocatively and drunk it becomes therefore partly a victim's fault because they put themself on display?

The main factor in rape is a power issue not an attraction issue. The rapist knows they have physical or psychological power over their intended victim and that's the reason it happens. No amount of breasts on display, skirts being short of hijabs, niqabs and abayas being worn makes even the slightest bit of difference.

I know what some Muslim brothers and sisters might say about women dressing provocatively being a causal factor in rape, but for the reasons I've given, I would have to disagree with them.

Some might see it odd that as a covered Muslim woman I argue in favour of the provocatively dressed woman. It's because she has rights! The right not to be raped and the right not to be blamed for something which is not her fault at all. Just because I disagree with her style of dress it doesn't make her to blame, just because I don't like what she's wearing, doesn't make her to blame, just because I might not like her as an individual, doesn't make her to blame.

What about the man who is raped, the 90 year old woman who is raped, the vicar who is raped, the woman working on a farm in the middle of the day in her muddy farm clothes? This is where that lazyass argument can be seen for exactly what it is, lazyass!

Instead of always trying to figure out how much responsibility the victims should carry for what happened to them, why don't we look instead, to those who are supposed to be keeping our streets safe and the government who is continuously under-resourcing them and shouting "Look over there!".

Therapy 90% BS

Personal Therapy. I had to endure it for years as a kid. It nearly made me vomit I seriously couldn't eat before each session not because it was 'scary dealing with your feelings' as the kidipsychs used to tell me, but because most of it is utter bullcrap and I couldn't tolerate it in my ears!

The psychs I saw were not able to deal successfully even with their own lives to the same standard as the guidance they give to you. I gained more insight and knowledge from sitting in silence for 4 years and observing the people that were observing me! Watching their body language when they talked about certain topic at me, watching their face contort or their eyes flicker or their foot bounce up and down or them scratch their face when they knew what they were saying was complete trash. Why do people think kids can't see that? It's like telling your daughter she is beautiful every day and encouraging her in all her efforts and telling her she can do and be whatever and whomever she wants....then acting the exact opposite because you have a shocking low self-esteem. Your daughter is going to copy you, she observes you, she will see truth in you...not what you tell her.

My weekly visits to the brightly coloured, well stocked, Drawing Therapy room, got to be kind of funny, especially when I copied the psych's physical idiosyncrasies or exaggerated them until they ended the session early because it was bare uncomfortable to them. Yeh childish but I was a child and a bored one!

If you learned Psychology in school it would be much more helpful because Therapists get in the way of you learning anything significant because you're looking to the therapist all the time, 'transference' and all that, when the therapist becomes significant to you or in my case, becomes a blockage to you and another relationship you have to figure out!

I sometimes wish I could go back to not speaking to anyone ever because no one bothers you, it's too dam awkward for them and they give you a wide berth.

But on the whole I love to speak and communicate with people. It's just relationships omg, I am so rubbish at them. Friendships, significant other....makes no difference I have no friken clue what people want and what to give them, how much, when...dependent, inter-dependent, co-dependent, it's all a mare and although work is busy and I love getting as much into a day as possible, relationships is the one area I want peaceful and calm with clear communication.

"Babe are you vexed at me?"

"Yeh"

"What did I do?"

"You said such and such..."

" Yeh but that's because..."

"Oh I see I didn't realise..."

"Ok so are we good?"

"Sure, it's all good"

That's how I want it. No stress, no games, no manipulation, no sarcasm (during serious matters), no attention seeking (during serious matters), no cruelty verbally or otherwise, no stepping over that line. You have to have a line or you end up wounding each other.

The one annoying thing about personal therapy is that some of the strands running through all the crud are actual truths because they are psychological truths. But with psychology, people generally get dazzled by the dross and miss those fine grey hairs of wisdom thinking they're worthless. I'm currently trying to knit them strands together to mend the hole in my marriage.

Apparently, I'm told that's a "doorknobber"!

Trusting Allah (SWT)

Being a new mum brings feelings I didn't have before
I love the closeness, her smell, well mostly her smell, and hugs galore
I think we will be good friends in sha Allah, and I will do my best
To provide everything for her and protect her through this test

Shes all I have please Allah don't take her from me
Right now I am lost and trying to think ahead to be
in a place to live in future where there's peace and quiet
I want a happy home, a trusting one, without a fight

Allah SWT you know our lives, you know my heart
Please fix this mess and make it stronger than the start
Or move me forward out from this marriage mask
My preference is you fix it with me and him, if I can ask

Make him healed and not afraid to love again
Make me patient, strong and understanding of his pain
Make our lives much deeper, bonded than before
Let this test Allah swt, make me love you more

 Armin

Hijab | Niqab: A reminder of who you are

I decided to go out to a dessert cafe for a girl's birthday at work. It seemed a fun thing to do and I have got some pretty stressful stuff going on at my house atm and really needed some fun!

Everything was great until we all decided to go back to one of the girl's houses and try on clothes and cosmetics. We were all women so I didn't have any need to wear my hijab. I was completely off my guard from shaytan. They were drinking and I wasn't until someone made me a coffee which tasted odd and in the back of my mind, if I am honest, I knew someone had put alcohol in it but I chose to pretend not to notice. I had been so stressed recently, I welcomed the slight mood alteration. However, several hours later at 3am I got back to the house where I live in a bit of a mess and in my friend's clothes.

My alarm went off at 5am for work and I didn't even hear it on my cell. My husband had decided to get up and make breakfast and noticed I wasn't around so came to look for me. I had gotten as far as the front door and fell to sleep,

Four strong coffee's, a shower and an hour late, I took a taxi into work.

Photo's of me with the other girls all over Instagram. Nothing wrong with them per se, we were just trying on clothes and seeing what they looked like, but for me, I wasn't wearing hijab, so would have had some explaining to do as to why I let the photos end up online. Not only that but trying on clothes and looking and posing in the mirror allows yourself to be seduced by your own imagination fanning the flames of sin.

Fortunately, my husband wasn't even angry he just knew that the lesson itself would be enough. Had I been wearing clothing that constantly reminded me of my religion, In sha Allah, I would not have made such shameful decisions, he suggested.

He also pointed out that I had missed my prayers, couldn't breastfeed my own daughter because of the alcohol in my system therefore relying on formula and felt wrecked all day at work. Not to mention the poor example I had shown non Muslims I work with. After I explained, Sophie agreed to delete the photos with me in them which was really kind of her.

We are supposed to hide out sins in Islam because Allah SWT has hidden them for us. A concept which I struggle with to be honest, especially concerning child abuse issues but that's another thought for another day.

The reason I make this one public is because of wearing hijab and niqab. People say it is isolationist and you can't blend and integrate properly. My husband is right though, my behavior was shameful and isolating myself from temptation to 'have fun' in this way is no bad thing.

I was reminded that day, that if I had been wearing the clothing of my religion, I wouldn't have got myself into that situation and I wouldn't have chosen to behave so poorly. Wearing abaya, hijab and niqab is a constant reminder for a Muslimah of who you are and the faith you chose to follow. It provides a protection and a reminder as well as being a worship to Allah SWT.

Can Corbyn Cope?

I'm not a Corbyn fan particularly but I really, really, like what's happening with him mixing it up among the suits. It's weird to watch and utterly compelling because you're wondering constantly when the magic fairy-dust will wear off.

I've read opinions from the regular political pundits who get called upon to comment and the worries they have about his ability to PM or to have what it takes to bring Cameron down but It doesn't seem Corbyn is thinking that far ahead, really, it's like he's just bumping from one day to the next trying to be himself! That's what makes me laugh and makes it exciting every time he turns up to an event and opens his mouth...or doesn't. You never know what's going to happen and you want to keep finding out.

I listened intentionally to his first PMQ's and even though people keep saying he is out of touch and harping back to old days, he actually brought something current into that stale environment by crowd-sourcing his questions and in doing so, knocked Cameron sideways a bit from his usual hard-hitting banter because Cameron was forced to answer 'people' with names, when he had been expecting to attack Corbyn.

I would have liked to hear Corbyn answer Cameron on the Economy issue. I'd like to hear him get right up in his grill and see if he can follow Cameron right to the end of a point and win. People have to see that soon.

I wonder if Corbyn will be able to remain a step ahead like this by keeping his nerve and not being affected by the media lashes he is receiving for his principled stance on poppies, anthems and the like. The minute he starts to conform in the hope of winning over certain people groups, he might as well go find his comfy armchair and switch on radio 4 because his fairy-dust will be all vacuumed up from around his feet.

Until then, I like it. Politics just got a whole lot more interesting.

Teach Kids How To Learn

I spoke to @mrjamesob on @LBC radio once, about his love of reading, especially books, and his desire for all kids to be encouraged to read and catch the enjoyment of it. I called in to say, that is fine unless you are a kid who has a chaotic and stressful home life then reading is a luxury, one that you can only engage in when you are relaxed or have enough security in your environment to be able to escape into a book.

I was always too anxious to read, to guarded in my environment and dyslexic, which made any reading hard core.

Something similar to this I found recently are emotions. Not all emotions are a luxury but the ones that make you vulnerable are and when you're in difficult circumstances as a kid, you just don't have time for them or the resources to be able to indulge them.

I never had a problem with feeling angry, frustrated, annoyed, hostile, assertive, cheerful, bored, exhuberant, fascinated or happy. But I never allowed myself to feel attracted to someone, close, fear, guilt, grief, infatuation, love, lonely, attached, sentimental, worried, sensual, upset or apprehensive. These, it  seemed to me, could all be exploited by someone who wanted to manipulate you.

Slowly, over the last year of being more settled and relaxing, I had realised my emotional capacity expanding, especially when I got a first crush!!! Too funny, awkward, delicious and hard to keep a lid on that in my thoughts!

I even started reading books, ha! Mostly autobiographies and crime novels, nothing trashy.

Then one day your usually quiet, studious, mild mannered, husband ups and smacks you in the face hard enough to give your concealer a challenge and you realise that against all your cautious plans to have avoided this predictable, familial pattern from impacting on your own choice of partner, unbelievably, it somehow did.

So, now I have to figure out what to do next and no,...now I am a fully rounded, emotionally engaged individual, who cares about what my religion teaches about marriage and who feels responsible for others around me, it's not so easy as,...leave.

I'm not the same person I used to be, I could easily have walked away without a care for anyone, including any child actually, but once you set eyes on your helpless bundle so reliant on you for everything they need to survive, you realise what love is and you're hooked, in the most primitive and exhilarating way. It's a game changer for sure.


So when kids are in school and teachers, counselors, mentors et al... want them to open up and enjoy the learning experience or they want them to become a more sentient being, sometimes it's not always possible or helpful for kids at that time. Some, might need all their resources just to survive in their yard. Don't try and take away the only tools they have to keep them safe is all I'm saying. It's not helping them even though it might feel to you like it is helping.

Teaching someone to learn is key and that skill is essential in whatever area of life you apply it to. A police officer who was in my life regularly used to ask me this every time he picked me up in his car for absconding.
 "So what have you learned from this Poppy?" I used to laugh and answer "Not to get caught!" or some similar words for my own amusement. But his monotonous question fortunately got stuck in my mind.

That ability of being able to learn from situations, helped me back then and it will help me now as I figure out my current predicament and wtf to do next.

So teach kids something useful that crosses all socio-economic environments and lasts well beyond their school years. Dam, even make it a qualification. I might even have outshone some of the academic giants in my school if we had a class where the topic suited my skills and the ground was level.

Islam: I have a lot of thinking to do...

I recently encountered someone who reverted to Islam purely because of marriage and being in love etc...

When they told me they reverted I should have been thinking, Alhamdulillah!!!! But I wasn't, I was thinking, that's messed up.

Couple of weeks and it was still bothering me, like a tiny stone in your shoe that you leave there because you're busy and finally it gets so annoying that you have to deal with it, I thought about why it was bothering me so much and it's because I am afraid I might have done the same thing and dislike myself for it.

If I did, my decision is worse because I did it preemptively. Marriage and family life is a huge part of Islam, sure some people remain unmarried but not many because we are taught it is half our deen (religion). In other words, it means more good deeds counted in your favour on that final day, if you get married.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Anas ibn Maalik (R) narrated that the Messenger of Allah (S) said:

whoever Allaah blesses with a righteous wife, then He has assisted him in half of his deen. So therefore, let him fear Allah in the other half. (Al-Mustadrak: 10/2681) Al-Albaanee declared the hadeeth hasan in Saheeh At-Targheeb (1916)

Explanation...

'That is because the greatest trial that takes a significant toll on a person's deen are the desires of the stomach and the desires of the private parts, and a righteous woman safeguards a man from zinaa, which accounts for the first half. Hence, the second half remains and that is the desires of the stomach. Thus he (S) advised him with taqwaa so he can perfect his deen and obtain istiqaamah (be upright and obedient).' He also said, “He (S) specifically mentioned a righteous wife because a woman who is otherwise may safeguard her husband from zinaa, however she would make him bend his back over trying to obtain worthless things from that which is haraam.” (Al-Faydul-Qadeer: hadeeth nos. 8704)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I knew this as I chose Islam. I knew I would 'have' to get married....maybe I wanted marriage and family more than the nonchalance I showed at the time. I knew marriage was arranged....maybe I wanted it that way because I didn't believe in the concept of  'in-love' . Secular relationships just looked a whole lot of mess to me and I had stayed away from them for that reason.

The more I think about it, the more I am scared that's what I might have done.

So where does that leave me regarding the truth of Islam? How can I trust even my own principles?? How can a person know they are in self-deceit?

I refuse to believe we are all just led by our fears and needs. That really is pathetic especially if you're making huge decisions unaware of the real desire that is behind them.

How can anyone avoid that weakness in themself?

I hate this discovery - I friken hate it!

If I wasn't Muslim and suddenly fell in love with someone who wasn't Muslim also, and I was as happy as I could be....would I choose Islam? Would I even choose any religion? idk

Health Care Assistants: Do They Really Care?

This isn't a comprehensive guide to what dementia is and how it manifests in people, it's not meant to be. If you want that, go read somewhere else. What I want to write about is why I love working with people changed by Dementia and to also show the skill set you need to be able to do the job of a Health Care Assistant.

You have to start with the person before you explore dementia because as a carer, that's who you are dealing with at work, the person not the dementia first. That's really important and many people forget that and don't put the individual first.

The person can be affected mildly, completely and anywhere inbetween, by dementia, depending on the progression of their condition and what type of dementia with which they have been diagnosed. Even within the diagnosis, there will be a whole variety of changes depending on the personality and character of that individual.

So, to know the person and their life, character, values and idiosyncracies is key in understanding how their dementia is affecting them.

So after initially getting to know the person and listening to their family about who they have been all their life up until now, you then look at what type of dementia this person has been diagnosed with.
Vascular Dementia, Alzheimers, Dementia with Lewy Bodies, Creutzfeldt Jakobs Disease, Parkinsons Dementia, Korsakoff Syndrom...etc and many other more rare forms too. Within each one of these catagories are subcatagories of what type of Vascular, Alzheimers, Lewys Bodies...etc, does the person have, depending on what part of the brain has been damaged and from what underlying cause. All of these variations have an impact on the challenges faced by the person themselves and those caring for them.

So it's like the hardest puzzle to solve or like someone is lost in the middle of a really complex maze and you have to go find them. I love that challenge and that smile of recognition from the individual, when you finally begin to understand their behaviour enough to communicate with them successfully and can then pass on that information to other care staff in the hope of improving that individual's general care. It feels amazing! The change in that individual when they realise they're understood is one of the most satisfying outcomes because you know you made a real difference to that person and the relaxation of their family.

'George' used to ask me if anyone was coming to visit him today because he was feeling lonely. What came out of his mouth though was a jumble of words that didn't make any sense in a regular way, even though it might have done to him. He used to say...

"It could be up on the speak the....you know......the visit or down because it's down."

So, to begin to understand George, I had to rely on other clues like body language. I knew it was a question from his tone of voice and inflection, the way his head moved and expression around his eyes. There were some words that did make sense such as "visit" "up" "speak" "on the" and "it's down" which sounded like a definite statement. Piecing things together it seemed like he wanted to speak on the phone about a visit because someone was coming up to see him. I eventually settled on a question and asked him if he was feeling lonely and he replied "YES" and sighed as he said it but also smiled. Then we went to the admin office to phone his family so he could connect with a familiar voice and sort out a visit. He was satisfied and I knew a little bit more about how he communicated.

You might be thinking, 'Well done Sherlock that was a bit obvious'...but not so fast because the one thing you can't do is ask an individual challenged by dementia, too many questions. Sometimes two is even too many! They may often (as was the case with George) become frustrated and then aggressive or become depressed and have a fall because they might be aware that they're not making sense or might be annoyed that they are not being understood. So sometimes, you only get one shot at a simple question and you have to be accurate and clear.

And that was just one question! In any given day George had several. There are 24 other residents too, who all have several questions or statements.

Then you have simple instructions that you have to communicate to someone suffering from dementia. It's lunchtime. Do you need the toilet? Let's go and have a shower. Can I help you change your shirt as you've spilled something on it? Often they either don't understand or they might not want to go, especially for a shower or bath, which as you can appreciate, is quite a crucial hurdle. All of this during the course of one day has to be smoothly communicated in a very relaxed and calm way often in very tricky circumstances what with other residents around doing their thing too.

It's a challenge and often simple things like misunderstanding a question can have devastating consequences if you're not skilled at your job. A frustrated depressed person with dementia will not eat properly, drink enough and they will often fall. All of which can increase deterioration of their condition in the worst way possible and cause a most horrible demise. Fortunately, care workers are trained well and very skillful so are used to balancing all the relevant information about the person and their condition.

Throw on top of all that the usual things we can all communicate easily such as headaches they can't tell us they have, tooth pain which we have to watch out for signs of, bad night sleep woke up with neck pain, belly ache, upset stomach, too hot or cold and can't express that, urinary tract infections which are unfortunately common in those who find it hard to drink enough fluids and last but not least, foods they usually like but don't fancy today and find it hard to tell you that. All of these regular enough variables can impact on a person and their usual way of being.

People are complex enough, then you have dementia!

Some day this job will be professionalised and the whole entire industry will be much better for it.

Sure there are some carers who don't care, not interested in the people, sleep through training, don't remember anything they're told, just want to do their shift with the least amount of effort and collect their salary but they don't last long in the job. The challenge of the job makes it hard for them to be slack and there are more good staff than bad who will hate on them until they leave.

It's a wonderful job. Hard work but a total privelidge to spend time with someone and get to know them during this confusing time, for the months and weeks up until their finally day on this earth.

Child Protection Responsibility: Who Has More Ability To Respond?

There's a petition going round, to educate children about body safety from age 5 in the hope that the knowledge will help kids protect themselves from people intent on doing them harm.

Initially, it sounds like a great plan and anything that helps protect kids is good right? But every time I read petitions like this or hear of government plans to action a new education initiative for kids under the banner of Child Protection. I don't like it and have really mixed thoughts.

I protected myself really well during my nearly 11 years in care because I had to, there was no one else who did. I became expert in evaluating people fast and knew I needed to be fierce and aloof in order to keep myself isolated and safe. But the result of all that early knowledge was that it made me a fearful, aggressive kid and an anxious, aggressive adult and it's from that perspective I feel we are putting ever more responsibility on our children to protect themselves instead of the agencies/parents/guardians who should be stepping up.

I know we teach kids about road safety, hot kettles and cookers, fireworks etc... from the earliest age and Body Safety seems to be no different but it feels completely different. You're teaching kids about bad people and giving them an awareness that they didn't have before, which doesn't have a positive effect on kids. Suddenly they are asking questions about who is a bad person when they should just be asking how caterpillars change into butterflies and how thunder and lightening is so amazing.

I'm not talking about over-protecting kids from the realities of life appropriate to their age like general farm life/death/babies....friendship issues, bullying etc... I don't dash over to the crib every time my baby farts and I don't believe everyone's a winner on Sports Day! I believe in giving children the tools and resources to sort their own issues out for themselves as they go along. For instance I am an advocate for some form of compulsory martial art taught in schools. I think it helps with protection, self-discipline, general fitness and confidence. I learned kick boxing from an early teenager and it helped me immensely.

On Child Protection issues? An adult has more ability to respond.

Imagine how guilty a kid would feel even after having been educated about Body Safety, to a standard us adults would feel confident in, if they were then to be hurt knowing they should have told someone and didn't, knowing that what was happening to them was wrong but they didn't do what they'd been taught? That's why I have mega reservations about where the onus lies because even armed with that knowledge, they do not have the ability to make those kinds of decisions or live with the consequences of them. We do.

As adults, it is far better for the kids if we accept responsibility (as a society) for their protection. Then any rage and pain can be put externally on us rather than internally on themselves. 

Iain Dale's Interview on LBC

Really interesting interview - Iain Dale with Camila Batmanghelidjh of former Kids Company. Transcribed from here for my own personal observations.

Initial thoughts, she's verbose and every time I have come across someone who employs that as a communication style, it's never been for a good reason. Read her words carefully and ask yourself what did she actually say? Towards the end, she attempts to link herself in with the CSA investigations but steers well clear of actually saying that. This mess would then become about something bigger and not about Kids Company or her any more. Her body language is totally interesting if you're watching the interview. What she nearly says but changes at the last minute is also worth noting. I'm not a fan of hers and that's putting it mildly but still, proper fascinating.

(My words are in brackets and italics)

ID: Before we get on to some of the more difficult questions...I mean...you've been the centre of a malestrom over the past few days. How have you come through this personally, it must have been a terrible experience for you?

CB: I've actually personally been very calm and ...er.. serene (that's not what your breathing tells me) because I never went up with the media to come down with it but when I've got upset, it's been because of the children and young people and that's the only time I get tearful (shakes her head no a couple of times)... the rest of the time, I'm very level because what I think we're being exposed to, is a sort of massive...erm...public hatred, kind of driven by the media in many ways...er...

(It's the media's fault)

ID: Why, why d'you think that is because the media has been extremely supportive of you in particular and indeed Kids Company over the years. So why d'you think the media, if it has turned against you, why d'you think it has?

(Now it's Miles Goslett's fault)

CB: I think they've been fed misinformation actually... It all started with Miles Goslett...er... a reporter, who has never visited Kids Company, never met me, I actually offered for him to come and visit and speak to me. He claimed...err...that there was a lady, who hadn't been thanked for her donation to Kids Company and that we hadn't reported properly back on her donation. Both of which were lies. Not only I have copies of that lady's thank you letters, she was given a whole page in our news letter. (He said a lot more than that actually)

ID: She gave you two hundred thousand pounds...

CB: Yes...and the Charities Commission approved her report. So this is how this whole situation started because Miles made it out that we were ungrateful and that we didn't report properly..er.. which, both of which were entirely untrue.

ID: Now, he's written a little bit of a history of all this on the Spectator website which I know you haven't seen. I'm going to read you out a paragraph from the this because he says he's...er..met people who've worked for you and he's quoting two of them and..uh..umm...you're not going to like what I'm going to read out but ...I...er...because it's so...it's  symptomatic of the accusations that are against you, I'm reading it out because I want you to respond to it and say why it's wrong.

CB: You can be completely open and transparent with me and ask me any questions you want to.

(Giving him permission is similar to resorting to telling people who you are - could be considered disingenous)

ID: Right, well, this is from...apparently, well course there's no name so someone who apparently worked at Kids Company and they say "Camila is basically pretty impossible to work with and she's given the charity sector a bad name. People need to realise that Kids Company is her personal empire. I'm not aware of her having anything else in her life. I'm not aware of her having any friends with whom she can just go and have a cup of copy...coffee. That is not healthy. The charity is her and she is the charity." Is there any aspect of that that's true?

CB: I...no..it isn't, because the organisation has 600...had...650 staff about 10'000 volunteers...er... some 500 clinical students did their work experience with us. It had a board of trustees so it's a massive organisation and it can't possibly run, just on my personal personality.
(she didn't address what Iain asked her)

ID: You were the figure head, I mean, we all knew you partly because of your character, the way that you dress everyone's fascinated (CB is smiling)...err...by you and what you've done and do you think that part of the problem has been that Kids Company is a bit like a company that grows too quickly? The chief executive is brilliant at manufacturing widgets but once it gets into sort of reading the balance sheets and all of that...then they start to struggle. Is that's what's happened to you?

CB: No. It's interesting you say that because I think that's one of the prejudices because I don't...err...wear a suit and I don't carry a brief case, I haven't sort of bought into the corporate packaging. People assume (Which people? What did they actually say?) and especially because I'm a woman and I work with children..people assume (Which people?) that then,  I don't understand figures and I can't ...err..organise systems but actually, if you really think about it, I organise with my team and we raised a hundred and sixty three million point four ...so that requires quite a lot of work...er...and last year it came from seventy-seven thousand different sources including one pound coins, so administatively we must be pretty good to be able to get that amount of money in.

(Iain isn't impressed so CB is self-congratulatory)

ID: Well...you, you say that but you will have seen the front page of the Guardian this morning I presume...

CB: No, I haven't seen any of the papers...

ID: Well...er...Kids Company chiefs ignored cash warnings, Finance bosses told charity's trustees to build up funds or risk catastrophe...umm...it says here that you were warned by your auditors for five successive years that you should build up reserves because you didn't have enough money to continue for more that three months, and yet you ignored all of those warnings.

(Is she going to say no again?)

CB: ...n..n..it is true, it's absolutely true, (phew!) that we had those discussions with the auditors and we too wanted reserves...er...and in fact that's why we continously spoke to Government. The problem with Kids Company and the reason we've had these difficulties is that children and young people are self-refering off the street. So they hear about our provision on the street and they make their way to Kids Company. So, in the last 19 years, because children have asked for help directly, no local authority was prepared to pay for them so we haven't had one pence from a local authority...

ID: No but you've had a lot from central government haven't you?

CB: ...let me finish....or a mental health trust. So what ended up happening is that we ended up with really large numbers (How many exactly because no one seems to know?) of very disturbed children and young people ...it was.. we were overwhelmed by it and since the Blair government, we'd been talking to the government about the fact that we can't cope with this sort of case load and repeated central governments gave us a grant of about 20% and they kept saying, next year we'll sort you out completely, we'll find a funding stream for you, so that you don't have to be so hand-to-mouth.  Most recently, just before the summer...er...during the summer...er... I spoke to Oliver Letwin who then said that he was going to find us a..a..about 20 million because I had warned everyone that we would not be able to fund raise any more because we'd been Charity of the Year for practically every bank....we'd basically run out of....people that we could go to... we've been going for 19 years...

(she seems to express that fact not as an achievement but as if she's trying to elicit a particular response from Iain and BAM he's all over it)

ID: That's a really odd thing to say because people who are successful in fundraising...umm... continue in that way normally. To say you'd run out of new people...um... success breeds success and you were successful in raising a huge amount of money so I'm slightly at a loss to understand why you think it would suddenly have come to an end.

CB: Because the scale...er...had become impossible, driven by children and young people pouring in through the doors. ( pouring in?) You know most charities...er..large charities, survive by having contracts. So for example the local authority may give them work to do and then they pay the charity. We couldn't do that because the kids were coming...o...from the street and using the service so no one was paying and it's exactly the problem Childline had and it couldn't survive on its own so the NSPCC had to absorb it.

(Aligning with Childline - good move)

ID: Of this 163 million pounds that you've raised, what proportion of that came from the tax payer?

CB: Umm...g...err...in any given year....we had...umm...err...g...sort of...about 4 million...err...a year, so the proportions.......were....most recently, 4 million from central government...about 19 to 20 million...err....raised...err....by us.

(This is her most nervous answer, on figures, that she says she is good at, even though she doesn't wear a suit or carry a briefcase)

ID: Cus...I mean you have grown very very quickly in the last few years haven't you, well, you've more or less doubled in size in the last four or five years? That must have put pressures on your administration and I'm slightly at a loss to understand why you, you don't...in any interview I've seen you do...you don't acknowledge those pressures, you don't say well yeah we may have got a few things wrong. You're, you're sort of straight down the line saying no, no, no we..our administration is fine. Alan Yentob I saw last night on chanel 4 news, a quite extraordinary interview i thought...erm.. said no, no, there is absolutely no problem. Well I'm sorry an organisation does not close its doors, does not effectively go bust, when there aren't any problems and...

CB: ...No there was a problem...

ID: ...it's up to the chief executive or the board of trustees to sort those problems out or identify them.

CB: There was a problem and I've said, there was a problem. Where I acknowledge that there was a problem is that we didn't raise enough funds. Where I disagree with the narrative out there, is the suggestion, that we had financial mismanagement....because, actually, in 19 years, we passed every audit clear, we had two additional audits by central government which we passed clear as well but all the audits, said we didn't have enough cash flow because we were so....constantly...we started the year not knowing where our money was coming from and we had to raise it month by month as we went along and that's why we went to central government to say please we can't manage...

ID: But you had five years to sort this out. The problems were identified in 2010 about the lack of reserves and you ignored those warnings for five years, that's...

CB: No we didn't ignore them...

ID: Well...

CB: We went...no, we didn't ignore them...

ID: Why didn't you build up any reserves then?

CB: No but we couldn't, this is the point. Everyone is having the conversation just about the...m...the financials. What they're not having the conversation about is the clinical, which is, we had too many...d...very disturbed children.....d'you know I ended up, having to hire my own Psychiatrists...err...Psychiatric Nurses, Occupational Therapists, Child Protection Officers because we couldn't get the cases that we had, into Social Services, or Child Mental Health because locally those agencies were not coping. Our...one of our biggest provisions is in a borough where the local social work department has just failed OFsted, so we were holding, too many serious cases and we kept going back to central government and saying we shouldn't be having kids who are jumping off bridges, who are cutting themselves, who are being sexually and physically abused we shouldn't as a charity be holding cases like that.

ID: Well, Camila we'll both catch our breath because we've got to go to the news and travel...err...we'll hear more from Camlla Batmanghelidjh in just a second. I'm Iain Dale at breakfast LBC news time at 9:31.

9:36 here on LBC, we're in the company of Camila Batmanghelidjh from Kids Company ...erm...Amanda in Brixton has emailed to say "I donated to Kids Company last year and I did get a receipt" So...it's very interesting looking at the tweets and texts that are coming in, there are no shades of grey here. There are either people who think that it's entirely your fault or there...or other people think you're a complete saint, there's no...sort of...middle ground on this...umm...Can I ask you Camila where did the 3 million pounds go that the government sent to you last week?

CB: Ok, so the government claim, that they didn't know, that we were going to use part of it, as a salary. That is not true. I have in my possession, an email exchange between us and the government, where they were fully aware, that we were waiting for their money to come, for the salary to be paid. In fact this three million, was part of a repackaging...err....sort of...err...grant....so that we would have to shrink Kids Company in order to make it sustainable as an organisation, so it's very disingenous to claim that they didn't know.

ID: Why haven't you released those emails?

CB: err...I now have actually...

ID: No you haven't...

CB: Yeah, I released...err...one of them last night because I think this is the sort of culture of this debate at the moment is one where the government....doesn't ar.... the cabinate office cus it's not all of government by the way...even within...in...the machinery of government....they're fighting...err...over this issue with different people having different agendas. One set want to support Kids Company and make sure that it survives and another set want to make sure (small laugh it sounds like) that it disappears.

ID: You see I...this is again...I think people find...struggle with this because going... if you go back to Tony Blair and Gordon Brown...ime...Gordon Brown was a massive supporter of yours, David Cameron has been a massive supporter, Ian Duncan Smith. I think people struggle with the fact that there are...so you say...people within government who want to see Kids Company disappear. Why would they do that? Why would they think that?

CB: I don't really know...err... why, but I think that what I do know is that I really had some major challenges...er...with...erm... over the fact that I kept telling them that the child protection situation in this country was really problematic. I had..err...err...quite a few arguments with Michael Gove..err..with...umm....Tim Loughton...over...

ID: He's the former children's minister...yeah

CB: ...err...yeah....before...the...the...it became evident that there was very serious problems of child sexual abuse...

ID: Neither of them are...well...Tim Loughton isn't a government minister any more, Michael Gove is now at the Justice Department so they can't be having any influence on what's happening now...

CB: Well they are actually...umm....Tim Loughton keeps coming out publically and saying that he didn't want us to get a grant when he was in the Department of Education and this is so disingenous again because he was having cups of tea with me...err....in my office. Never did he suggest, that there was any problem whatsoever with the way we were functioning ...err...I don't have in our possession a single letter from government that says, we misreported, we didn't do things properly...err..we should change anything so to hear from them...er....and to hear from civil servants that have never come to Kids Company, never met us, that they recommended that we didn't get the money, it's like you suddenly think what are you dealing with...these people have never been there.

ID: Erm...let me put something to you that you said to Victoria Derbyshire yesterday. You said ..."I am being supressed because I know about sexual abuse claims against senior people"

CB: No I didn't say...

ID: No that...that's a direct quote...

CB: No...what I'm...what I said is...generally, I believe that there is a supression of people who are speaking up about child protection. The government's closed, the college of social work. It was....

ID: No no this was something specific that you said...you said..."I am being supressed because I know about sexual abuse claims against senior people." IE, to do with the child sex inquiry.

CB: No what I'm trying....yes I do know about....err...umm..sss...I have been communicated with by child protection police officers who are investigating....and who have been investigating....er...very well known people...

ID: No but your alegation was that the government are trying to supress you...

CB: No...no...I ...that's the....q.....I'm just about to explain it to you....I...I said that in the wider context that there is a suppression of people who are speaking up about child protection..err....and I personally have spoken up about child protection issues....err...related to now...and I've been approached by police officers...err... in relation to historic child sexual abuse cases.

ID: ....but, but the implication here is that you believe that people within government whether it's one or two politicians or senior civil servants are trying to keep you quiet because of what you know about historic child sexual abuse cases.

CB: No, I think they're trying generally to get rid of people who are challenging them about child sexual abuse issues...

ID: Why is that?

CB:...because I think there is a big problem in this country in relation to massive scale child sexual abuse, childhood maltreatment across the country, current and there is very serious concerns in relation to well known people in the past and and that is not my business to discuss, the inquiry will do that.

ID: No...no but but your direct allegation therefore is that there are people in...in current government whether politicians or senior civil servants who have an interest in keeping this quiet and by keeping you quiet they can keep that quiet.

(aaand she uses the word stuff - I used to use that word a lot when I knew jack shit)

CB: I think they..they...do have an interest in keeping historic sexual abuse allegations quiet, you don't need my personal evidence, it's all unfolding isn't it...err... senior ministers were abusing children. Civil servants....some civil servants were involved in surpressing the evidence and what I'm saying is even now I'm aware of police officers who have evidence in relation to this stuff having their investigations not addressed appropriately and I've been in discussion with that group of people as well.

ID: Now what about the allegations that have been made in the last 24 hours against your organisation for...i think...surpressing is probably over doing it but not acting on allegations of sexual abuse that went on within Kids Company.

CB: First of all I need to really correct this...err... the challenge, that has been brought to us...is not...is not...about sexual abuse within Kids Company. It's really, really important to differentiate that. The police...

ID: Well the Newsnight allegation last night you were sitting in the studio watching the film as I was watching it on TV

CB: ....I'm trying to explain to you what it was. What has been brought to our attention is that allegedly, there had been some sexual activity between two young adults...err..and we had that information. The sexual activity allegedly, did not take place at Kids Company...but we had that information and we didn't report it. As it transpires, we didn't have that information so actually this allegation and the way it's been constructed is so untrue.

ID: But..but the allegation was th...th...that the girl involved....who I think was aged 16 or 17 she, she apparently says she did report it to Kids Company staff and it wasn't acted upon. You're saying that she didn't.

CB: The...I can't go into detail but what I can tell you is that...err...from the information we were given this individual wasn't even a Kids Company per....err...student or individual.

ID: Where do we go from here? I mean I heard you say recently that you wanted to have an opportunity to restart Kids Company which I can understand just from the point of view of the children that now are left in limbo. If a philanthropist came up and said Camila I completely believe in you I think that you've been traduced I think this is completely unfair, here's 5 million pounds to restart. Would you?

CB: Yea....My concern is not Kids Company, or myself, my concern is that we shut the door, to a lot of children and young people and destitute families who saw Kids Company as their home and their family environment. What people don't realise is that unfortunately, a very destructive...err..media game and a series of unfair and inaccurate briefings lead to the destruction of what in effect was a home for a lot of kids and what I'm trying to do is to try and see whether we can recreate that community which was very very important to those children and young people.

(Sounds to me like it was Camila's family, Camila's home and now Camila hasn't got anything else)

ID: I said to someone last night that I was going to interview you today and they said to me...err...well can you put this question to her...they said she doesn't...she seems to blame everyone else here for whats gone wrong here and doesn't seem to think that she's done anything wrong at all. Do you think you've done anything wrong at all?

(Her answer sounds like when you're at an interview and they ask you what you're bad at and you pick something positive to say as a negative like 'Oh sometimes I can be too conscientious and can stay too late at the office')

CB: I think I've....genuinely...i think I absolutely fell short of being able to raise the right amount of money. I also didn't manage to get the machinery of government to come to the table appropriately and it's very telling that it took us to close for all these local authorities and the cabinate office, to eventually come together to decide what to do about these destitute and devastated children. It would have been good if they'd come before, which is what I really needed. I found it very difficult to see for example the leader of one local authority criticise us in the media, when I know that just one of the families, we've been referring over 20 times for child protection to this particular borough and they wouldn't take..err... the case and this is the sort of experience that we have had which has made it so difficult for us. We were completely overwhelmed by the scale of the problem arriving at our door and I failed to fundraise for it this last year and I failed to be able to get...err...government and local authorities to absorb the seriousness of the concerns that we were carrying.

ID: And just finally, if you can't...er...restart Kids Company, what does your future hold, have you thought about it?

(If I was her, I'd say it's all about the kids again.....oh wait...)

CB: Er..no...because...m...my entire concern has actually been...err...the children. Literally what I am worried about is that there are groups of them, who won't have enough to eat next week. (Can they come to your house? You seem to be eating ok) So I'm just right now, trying to concentrate on finding the money for that and that's why it's so important to clear up these allegations of financial mismanagment which are so untrue because that has implications about whether I will be able to raise the money to then be able to meet these childrens needs.

ID: Well if there are any philanthropists listening we'll put them in touch with you...

CB: Thank you very much.

ID: Camila Batmanghelidjh thank you so much for taking so much time with us here on LBC