Sex: Part 2 - Sex and Sexuality

"Muslim men are afraid of a woman's sexuality, that's why she has to hide under cloth."

This was another statement told to me, that I felt deserved its own blog slot.

Firstly, let me just say that no Muslim woman hides, we cover. Most of the women I know are quite confident and have no need to hide anything. We cover our bodies as much as we feel is right for our religion and as a worship to God. For some women that would be completely in black covered from head to foot and for others it would be partially in black with regular loose clothing and for others it would be a range of colours and very creatively but still very modestly covered. 

In the Uk, women are free to express their sexuality in any way they wish. For Muslim women, most of that expression happens in the privacy of their own home as part of a family growing up as a child with your siblings and subsequently as a wife with your husband. Once a woman is within the privacy of her own home with her husband, she can be as creative as she likes, wearing what she likes and being as sexually expressive as she likes to be. I can imagine that most husbands would not have a problem with their wife expressing her sexuality at home, within the confines of their marriage, however fierce that sexuality is. 

Sex is a part of sexuality and I get the impression that non Muslims think that Muslim women are so restricted that we are not allowed to be normal and powerful in ourselves within a private and intimate situation. That's so rubbish.

My realisation of my own sexuality came about quite a bit later than what is considered 'normal' I guess because I had other things occupying my mind, like safety from harmful people. Whenever a man came within a meter distance I'd be so conscious of his presence and how I could escape if he became aggressive, I didn't have room in my mind for any other thoughts or feelings during puberty. I still felt the same when I got married as my husband wasn't in the least bit affectionate and so I didn't catch up with myself, sexuality-wise, until just as I was getting divorced, which truly is funny. 

Sex and sexuality is celebrated in Islam, it's just celebrated in a context that protects both people and gives them privacy to be themselves. It annoys me so badly much when non Muslims suggest that to be out, proud and confident with your sexuality is the only way to have freedom in this area, if it's not all on show then you're not free apparently. Another load of rubbish. Just because there are some horror stories from within the Islamic society about suppressed females being bullied and intimidated, it doesn't at all mean that's the norm or the majority. Neither would it be for me to assume that when I see girls vomit all over the street from binge drinking, that all non religious girls behaved like this or held these values.

Allah has given us guidelines as to the proper context for a woman to express her sexuality. In this context there is protection, safety, trust and commitment and in the other there are manifold dangers, no trust or commitment. Just luck and often poor judgement.

Islam offers protection to women, safety and true value. 

Marine A: James O'Brien @LBC

James' first discussion of the day and as usual, some good quality callers to the show saying why they either support the action against this marine or why they don't.

My interest was in the "we are better than them" line from James. If we (meaning those embracing western ideology), are better than them, then we have to be better than them all the time and not change our morals when it suits us, one caller suggested. Having moral superiority and moral high ground, two things James suggested we have here in the UK, are what I am struggling with.

Do we really have the moral high ground in western society? I'm not just considering the absence of barbaric killing as an indicator of a better society, because we do our fair share of barbarism just not on our own shores. I'm looking at all of society across the board.

I'm looking at our teenage pregnancy rate... our prison system... our binge drinking culture... the sexualisation in our music culture that young kids copy.. . our ability to ignore the most vulnerable people in our society... elderly... disabled... orphans and mentally I'll.

Are we morally superior? Are we better? Do we have freedom? Or are we in the west, trapped in our own version of slavery to capitalism and commercialism. How is that freedom? That's just another form of dictatorship with the allusion of freedom of choice.

It's not as black and white and that's the reason we can't stomp into another country, take down a despot then attempt to change their system of governance claiming our western democratic way is better. Imposing on them something that will never work and leave pridefully thinking we've done a good job.

Since becoming a Muslim and experiencing the morals taught from an Islamic point of view. Proper Islam, not some half-ass version spouted by some armchair scholar or misguided nom. It reinforces my decision that I made a few years ago to revert and I look at the lost western society in which I live and feel sad.

The UK constantly puts itself in other countries' business with a prideful superiority that has proven to be illegal and disastrously wrong on more than one occasion. We side with evil dictators when it suits us financially, leave despots in power when they have nothing we need, like oil and then we wonder why we get kickbacks and bring trouble to our yard.

We are not better, we are no better and we have enough affairs of our own to be dealing with, getting right, treating right those in our own country, to be meddling in the affairs of dragons.

Donald Drumpf wouldn't have worked so well

When this whole Donald Trump thing blew up about him advocating banning all Muslims from the US, my initial reaction was a momentary "ugh" of recognition for his ignorance and stupidity. Then I lost interest as would be expected of any rational person.  Then when the petition to ban him from the UK gathered momentum, I didn't understand why people were being so serious about it all but I enjoyed the comedy of others pointing out the cataclysmic holes in his logic and learning about other disturbing comments he's made, like the one about his daughter! Now I'm decidedly undecided as to whether to take his comments about banning Muslims seriously or not.

On one hand, his views on most things are unintelligent to the point where they're funny even and you kind of get the feeling everyone must realise that right? On the other hand,  he's finding popularity with those backward Americans who think as he does and by him speaking out, have been afforded validation in their own bigoted views. 

Then there are those people who reject most of what he says but join with him on this particular issue because they see a terrorist behind every brown-skinned beardy-man and hijabi clad woman and feel that he, at least, would do something to alleviate their anxiety in trying to reject all suspected Muslims from entering their country. What the heck he does about Muslims born in America I have no idea. I imagine living in a country with such bad feeling towards your whole religion and way of life, they'd be avoided/ostracized at best and attacked/killed at worst.

Too far? I don't know. The kind of people who feel this way only need a few others to agree with them and before you know it you've got a mob intent on 'eliminating terrorism' for the sake of National Security. Isn't that what Trump is advocating?

Ironically isn't he causing terror by his proposed actions? How many American Muslims feel fear at the hate being stirred up against Islam and against them as Muslims? Probably the majority I would guess. How many have witnessed or experienced increased incidents of verbal or physical hate towards them more recently?

I certainly have in the UK. I'm glad actually...I'd rather know exactly what's there and deal with it, than it bubbling under the surface while people dance around with acceptable terms suppressing what they really think and feel.

Let him in, invite him on James O'Brien show @LBC let's see if he can respond to reason and logic. If not, then James can at least have some fun!

Health is Wealth

Someone told me this recently "Health is wealth" and I thought it was weird as I'd not heard the saying before. No wonder, as in my society and culture if you're sick, the welfare system catches you. Where as in many other countries, there is absolutely nothing. I've never had to think of that before imagining myself in that situation. As rubbish as my situation was growing up, I had something.

I've been thinking about nothing else much all this week. What if there was nothing, no cash because of illness and no work, no doctor to see without cash, no roof over my head or any prospect of one soon, no school to go to, no medicine even for the simplest infection.

Living somewhere in the world where, if you are sick, you cannot work and therefore you do not eat and if you are really sick, you are not only poor but, you most likely will not live.

It's not news to me how difficult it is for people in other countries.

I just didn't consider it as a reality for me before, just as a fact of others' lives for which I felt enormous sympathy.

If that was my reality, sympathy wouldn't feed me or clothe me or get me medicines.

How do you receive love?

I have been leaning about love because I have a baby girl and really I need to know how to love properly. It doesn't come natural to me at all but in general, I don't think any of us should take for granted that we know what love is and how to love someone. I found this list on the net helping you figure out what way you receive love.

You have to also ask the other person how they receive love too....not how you want to give it to them. I know it seems dumb but it's actually really helpful. I bet if you asked your significant other about this list, you might be surprised what they would answer.

For instance, below is how I receive love. Where as my friend Sophie said she likes her love to be in the form of expensive  gifts and flowers. So it would be no good Sophie's boyfriend trying to show love to her by doing acts of service for her, she said she wouldn't notice or appreciate them.

(A) Words of Affirmation...I get so embarrassed about this when it happens. I never know what to say. Even 'thank you' seems awkward and I visibly go red which I hate. So this one is truly uncomfortable and I don't prefer it, so it's my number 4

(B) Acts of Service... yeh I like this one. This would include bringing up your kid. Being a good wife.  Doing the laundry, making a cup of tea....etc.  I like this one because it's mostly indirect and yet really powerful that you are choosing to love someone even when you're tired and feeling lazy, if you still do things then you are forcing yourself to put another first. Sometimes that's easy; sometimes not so much. This would be number 2 on my list.

(C) Receiving Gifts... Nope, hate this one, hate it, for me.....nope. Too funny. Oh wait, unless it is something meaningful like something cooked or like the mum in one of my foster homes that made me a embroidered pencil case with my name on it. I really loved that so much. This is number 5 for me, right at the bottom. Generally I'm not a gifts person.

(D) Quality Time... Not especially. I mean I like time with someone who I love but not like....contrived time....especially set apart for me only. I hate that kind of attention haha....it makes me embarrassed too. If it happened naturally then sure, I would love it but Quality Time, suggests it's set apart especially. Number 3 on my list.

(E) Physical Touch... This is my number one. It's my most awkward one as I still never had it even though I was married for over a year, he didn't like to hug or anything and I wasn't confident enough to initiate it for the whole entire year ha!. I love hugging my baby girl though and rocking her to sleep.

So based on this list, I probably would love someone in the same way that I like to be loved. Which wouldn't be appropriate for someone else. Be it a friend, family or husband. We all need to be aware of how the other person receives love and act accordingly.