Rape: "Why didn't you make it more difficult for him?"

We have to stop conflating these two issues...

The person who is drunk and the person who thieves from them.
The person who is dressed attractively and the person who rapes them.
The person who is shy, sweet, helpful, friendly, trusting, kind...and the person who harms them.

It is nurture and nature that causes someone to do wrong to another person. Either by way of a severe and sometimes undiagnosed mental illness or because the person has learned bad ways or not learned good ways. Either ways, they are that person. They are a rapist, mugger, robber, serial killer... etc...and nothing any victim did caused them to suddenly turn into that person.

Let's take rape....some people say the victims of rape make it too easy for the rapist to rape them. Dressing in showy way, behaving unguarded, immodest.

My question is...Why should the victim take any part of any blame because in, society's opinion, they didn't make it as difficult as they could for the perpetrator?

As Muslim women, we could be seen to be making it 'as difficult as we possibly can' for rapists when we wear our long black dresses, hair and face coverings - Muslim women still experience rape.

So clearly, even with that single example, we can see that no amount of making it difficult or easy for a criminal intent on acting out their sick fantasy, makes any of the haters actions the victim's fault.
If you hold the opinion that all rape victims must make it as difficult as possible for a rapist to rape them. Doesn't that lead to people staying indoors with alarmed entry points and guard dogs outside trained to kill?

Going too far? Ok so how far is not too far? Where is the line that is reasonable for protecting yourself? How much must we all shrink back into life-limiting isolation so that the haters can roam free looking at women like they want to eat them?

Don't put ourselves in harms' way? Drinking, dressing provocatively, walking alone?

So....the criminal owns the streets and by walking along them alone, dressed provocatively and drunk it becomes therefore partly a victim's fault because they put themself on display?

The main factor in rape is a power issue not an attraction issue. The rapist knows they have physical or psychological power over their intended victim and that's the reason it happens. No amount of breasts on display, skirts being short of hijabs, niqabs and abayas being worn makes even the slightest bit of difference.

I know what some Muslim brothers and sisters might say about women dressing provocatively being a causal factor in rape, but for the reasons I've given, I would have to disagree with them.

Some might see it odd that as a covered Muslim woman I argue in favour of the provocatively dressed woman. It's because she has rights! The right not to be raped and the right not to be blamed for something which is not her fault at all. Just because I disagree with her style of dress it doesn't make her to blame, just because I don't like what she's wearing, doesn't make her to blame, just because I might not like her as an individual, doesn't make her to blame.

What about the man who is raped, the 90 year old woman who is raped, the vicar who is raped, the woman working on a farm in the middle of the day in her muddy farm clothes? This is where that lazyass argument can be seen for exactly what it is, lazyass!

Instead of always trying to figure out how much responsibility the victims should carry for what happened to them, why don't we look instead, to those who are supposed to be keeping our streets safe and the government who is continuously under-resourcing them and shouting "Look over there!".

Therapy 90% BS

Personal Therapy. I had to endure it for years as a kid. It nearly made me vomit I seriously couldn't eat before each session not because it was 'scary dealing with your feelings' as the kidipsychs used to tell me, but because most of it is utter bullcrap and I couldn't tolerate it in my ears!

The psychs I saw were not able to deal successfully even with their own lives to the same standard as the guidance they give to you. I gained more insight and knowledge from sitting in silence for 4 years and observing the people that were observing me! Watching their body language when they talked about certain topic at me, watching their face contort or their eyes flicker or their foot bounce up and down or them scratch their face when they knew what they were saying was complete trash. Why do people think kids can't see that? It's like telling your daughter she is beautiful every day and encouraging her in all her efforts and telling her she can do and be whatever and whomever she wants....then acting the exact opposite because you have a shocking low self-esteem. Your daughter is going to copy you, she observes you, she will see truth in you...not what you tell her.

My weekly visits to the brightly coloured, well stocked, Drawing Therapy room, got to be kind of funny, especially when I copied the psych's physical idiosyncrasies or exaggerated them until they ended the session early because it was bare uncomfortable to them. Yeh childish but I was a child and a bored one!

If you learned Psychology in school it would be much more helpful because Therapists get in the way of you learning anything significant because you're looking to the therapist all the time, 'transference' and all that, when the therapist becomes significant to you or in my case, becomes a blockage to you and another relationship you have to figure out!

I sometimes wish I could go back to not speaking to anyone ever because no one bothers you, it's too dam awkward for them and they give you a wide berth.

But on the whole I love to speak and communicate with people. It's just relationships omg, I am so rubbish at them. Friendships, significant other....makes no difference I have no friken clue what people want and what to give them, how much, when...dependent, inter-dependent, co-dependent, it's all a mare and although work is busy and I love getting as much into a day as possible, relationships is the one area I want peaceful and calm with clear communication.

"Babe are you vexed at me?"

"Yeh"

"What did I do?"

"You said such and such..."

" Yeh but that's because..."

"Oh I see I didn't realise..."

"Ok so are we good?"

"Sure, it's all good"

That's how I want it. No stress, no games, no manipulation, no sarcasm (during serious matters), no attention seeking (during serious matters), no cruelty verbally or otherwise, no stepping over that line. You have to have a line or you end up wounding each other.

The one annoying thing about personal therapy is that some of the strands running through all the crud are actual truths because they are psychological truths. But with psychology, people generally get dazzled by the dross and miss those fine grey hairs of wisdom thinking they're worthless. I'm currently trying to knit them strands together to mend the hole in my marriage.

Apparently, I'm told that's a "doorknobber"!

Trusting Allah (SWT)

Being a new mum brings feelings I didn't have before
I love the closeness, her smell, well mostly her smell, and hugs galore
I think we will be good friends in sha Allah, and I will do my best
To provide everything for her and protect her through this test

Shes all I have please Allah don't take her from me
Right now I am lost and trying to think ahead to be
in a place to live in future where there's peace and quiet
I want a happy home, a trusting one, without a fight

Allah SWT you know our lives, you know my heart
Please fix this mess and make it stronger than the start
Or move me forward out from this marriage mask
My preference is you fix it with me and him, if I can ask

Make him healed and not afraid to love again
Make me patient, strong and understanding of his pain
Make our lives much deeper, bonded than before
Let this test Allah swt, make me love you more

 Armin

Hijab | Niqab: A reminder of who you are

I decided to go out to a dessert cafe for a girl's birthday at work. It seemed a fun thing to do and I have got some pretty stressful stuff going on at my house atm and really needed some fun!

Everything was great until we all decided to go back to one of the girl's houses and try on clothes and cosmetics. We were all women so I didn't have any need to wear my hijab. I was completely off my guard from shaytan. They were drinking and I wasn't until someone made me a coffee which tasted odd and in the back of my mind, if I am honest, I knew someone had put alcohol in it but I chose to pretend not to notice. I had been so stressed recently, I welcomed the slight mood alteration. However, several hours later at 3am I got back to the house where I live in a bit of a mess and in my friend's clothes.

My alarm went off at 5am for work and I didn't even hear it on my cell. My husband had decided to get up and make breakfast and noticed I wasn't around so came to look for me. I had gotten as far as the front door and fell to sleep,

Four strong coffee's, a shower and an hour late, I took a taxi into work.

Photo's of me with the other girls all over Instagram. Nothing wrong with them per se, we were just trying on clothes and seeing what they looked like, but for me, I wasn't wearing hijab, so would have had some explaining to do as to why I let the photos end up online. Not only that but trying on clothes and looking and posing in the mirror allows yourself to be seduced by your own imagination fanning the flames of sin.

Fortunately, my husband wasn't even angry he just knew that the lesson itself would be enough. Had I been wearing clothing that constantly reminded me of my religion, In sha Allah, I would not have made such shameful decisions, he suggested.

He also pointed out that I had missed my prayers, couldn't breastfeed my own daughter because of the alcohol in my system therefore relying on formula and felt wrecked all day at work. Not to mention the poor example I had shown non Muslims I work with. After I explained, Sophie agreed to delete the photos with me in them which was really kind of her.

We are supposed to hide out sins in Islam because Allah SWT has hidden them for us. A concept which I struggle with to be honest, especially concerning child abuse issues but that's another thought for another day.

The reason I make this one public is because of wearing hijab and niqab. People say it is isolationist and you can't blend and integrate properly. My husband is right though, my behavior was shameful and isolating myself from temptation to 'have fun' in this way is no bad thing.

I was reminded that day, that if I had been wearing the clothing of my religion, I wouldn't have got myself into that situation and I wouldn't have chosen to behave so poorly. Wearing abaya, hijab and niqab is a constant reminder for a Muslimah of who you are and the faith you chose to follow. It provides a protection and a reminder as well as being a worship to Allah SWT.

Can Corbyn Cope?

I'm not a Corbyn fan particularly but I really, really, like what's happening with him mixing it up among the suits. It's weird to watch and utterly compelling because you're wondering constantly when the magic fairy-dust will wear off.

I've read opinions from the regular political pundits who get called upon to comment and the worries they have about his ability to PM or to have what it takes to bring Cameron down but It doesn't seem Corbyn is thinking that far ahead, really, it's like he's just bumping from one day to the next trying to be himself! That's what makes me laugh and makes it exciting every time he turns up to an event and opens his mouth...or doesn't. You never know what's going to happen and you want to keep finding out.

I listened intentionally to his first PMQ's and even though people keep saying he is out of touch and harping back to old days, he actually brought something current into that stale environment by crowd-sourcing his questions and in doing so, knocked Cameron sideways a bit from his usual hard-hitting banter because Cameron was forced to answer 'people' with names, when he had been expecting to attack Corbyn.

I would have liked to hear Corbyn answer Cameron on the Economy issue. I'd like to hear him get right up in his grill and see if he can follow Cameron right to the end of a point and win. People have to see that soon.

I wonder if Corbyn will be able to remain a step ahead like this by keeping his nerve and not being affected by the media lashes he is receiving for his principled stance on poppies, anthems and the like. The minute he starts to conform in the hope of winning over certain people groups, he might as well go find his comfy armchair and switch on radio 4 because his fairy-dust will be all vacuumed up from around his feet.

Until then, I like it. Politics just got a whole lot more interesting.

Teach Kids How To Learn

I spoke to @mrjamesob on @LBC radio once, about his love of reading, especially books, and his desire for all kids to be encouraged to read and catch the enjoyment of it. I called in to say, that is fine unless you are a kid who has a chaotic and stressful home life then reading is a luxury, one that you can only engage in when you are relaxed or have enough security in your environment to be able to escape into a book.

I was always too anxious to read, to guarded in my environment and dyslexic, which made any reading hard core.

Something similar to this I found recently are emotions. Not all emotions are a luxury but the ones that make you vulnerable are and when you're in difficult circumstances as a kid, you just don't have time for them or the resources to be able to indulge them.

I never had a problem with feeling angry, frustrated, annoyed, hostile, assertive, cheerful, bored, exhuberant, fascinated or happy. But I never allowed myself to feel attracted to someone, close, fear, guilt, grief, infatuation, love, lonely, attached, sentimental, worried, sensual, upset or apprehensive. These, it  seemed to me, could all be exploited by someone who wanted to manipulate you.

Slowly, over the last year of being more settled and relaxing, I had realised my emotional capacity expanding, especially when I got a first crush!!! Too funny, awkward, delicious and hard to keep a lid on that in my thoughts!

I even started reading books, ha! Mostly autobiographies and crime novels, nothing trashy.

Then one day your usually quiet, studious, mild mannered, husband ups and smacks you in the face hard enough to give your concealer a challenge and you realise that against all your cautious plans to have avoided this predictable, familial pattern from impacting on your own choice of partner, unbelievably, it somehow did.

So, now I have to figure out what to do next and no,...now I am a fully rounded, emotionally engaged individual, who cares about what my religion teaches about marriage and who feels responsible for others around me, it's not so easy as,...leave.

I'm not the same person I used to be, I could easily have walked away without a care for anyone, including any child actually, but once you set eyes on your helpless bundle so reliant on you for everything they need to survive, you realise what love is and you're hooked, in the most primitive and exhilarating way. It's a game changer for sure.


So when kids are in school and teachers, counselors, mentors et al... want them to open up and enjoy the learning experience or they want them to become a more sentient being, sometimes it's not always possible or helpful for kids at that time. Some, might need all their resources just to survive in their yard. Don't try and take away the only tools they have to keep them safe is all I'm saying. It's not helping them even though it might feel to you like it is helping.

Teaching someone to learn is key and that skill is essential in whatever area of life you apply it to. A police officer who was in my life regularly used to ask me this every time he picked me up in his car for absconding.
 "So what have you learned from this Poppy?" I used to laugh and answer "Not to get caught!" or some similar words for my own amusement. But his monotonous question fortunately got stuck in my mind.

That ability of being able to learn from situations, helped me back then and it will help me now as I figure out my current predicament and wtf to do next.

So teach kids something useful that crosses all socio-economic environments and lasts well beyond their school years. Dam, even make it a qualification. I might even have outshone some of the academic giants in my school if we had a class where the topic suited my skills and the ground was level.