To Smile

To smile is Sunnah that means The Prophet peace and blessing be on Him did it a lot and to copy His action is blessed.

But smiling is a weird thing. Have you noticed there are such a variety of smiles?  I don't mean within one person but from person to person a smile tells you so much about a person and I love to observe things about a person that they're unaware of. Not because I am sneaky or for bad intent but simply because I want to get to know the real person, not the one they want me to see. Everyone has that public face on, we all do and it's natural there's nothing wrong with that. Mine usually covers my embarrassment and social awkwardness. I come across really bubbly, confident and extrovert but if you observed my smile you would know that I am quite shy and awkward in public and with people in general.

Some people have a automatic smile. It's usually one where their teeth are showing and it usually comes from people who deal with public as their job, hospitality industry, sales or they might not be in this industry at all but they might be a people pleaser. They will often have a different smile when they are at home with their family or they might not smile at all, some people just don't.

Some people look like they are in pain when they smile. Some people have a weird kind of *feed me* scary smile where they just need so much from you. Others can look angry even when they smile and I particularly love, love, love the smile that that has a very preoccupied person behind it. It comes to their face like a flash and disappears as quick as it got there; too funny!

It's considered mentally healthy to smile, because a lot of people laugh but few smile. Laughing is not the sign of a happy person, it could come from a deeply unhappy person and sometimes can be manic and difficult to be around someone who laughs especially at things that are not particularly funny. I am a happy person and I love fun! But I have been out with work colleagues and because I wasn't continually laughing, shouting "woohoo!!!" and all the other dumb things the group were doing, they got quite aggressive with me saying I wasn't having fun. I pointed out that neither were they really. They were simply on a social treadmill of expected behaviour when girls are out and fearful of being accused of being dull so they made sure they were loud, laughing and being certain to appear as though they were the *life and soul of the party*. To me it wasn't fun, it was sad.

So look for someone who smiles as well as laughs. Even if they do have mental health issues it will show they are coping with them and dealing with their life well.

If a smile lingers and the face relaxes slowly then it was genuine. It means the person is still thinking of what it was that made them smile even after they smiled. If a smile disappears instantly it wasn't genuine but probably because of their job or some *please like me* thing they got going on.

Did you see that some people sparkle when they smile it's delicious and I find it hard not to stare. It's like their whole face lights up inside and out. It's part of what makes someone beautiful whether they are superficially ugly or not.

Dry Bones

I am in a privileged position to be able to hear accounts of how life was way back when, as my job allows me twelve hours a day contact with seniors.

To a lot of people this generation is invisible and their needs are overlooked as their productivity to society is zero. When really, sometimes this can be where a lot of wisdom and experience is at,  this is where the conclusions in life are drawn and this is where words suddenly become important as each day they may be their last words ever spoken.

I hear stories of people walking everywhere because cars were a luxury and financially out of many average peoples' reach. Obesity was rare as people walked everywhere and also appreciated their food more because they'd lived through rations so portion sizes were realistic. Kids kicked about more outside. No kid was rushed off to A&E at the first sign of a deep cut because the mum or dad cleaned it and dressed it themselves with bandages they had in the house sterilized at home as they didn't want to bother the doctor or hospital unless it was absolutely necessary.

I heard that it was cheaper to make your own clothes, bake your own snacks and cook your own meals. And that living in the country you were considered a bit more backward than if you lived in the city.

Today you have to have wads to live in the country unless you join some weird off grid community. It's seen as a treat to be away from the stress of rabbit-hutch living and city pollution. To home bake or sew anything is way more expensive than it used to be because the ingredients are a lot and expensive too and people can't afford the time themselves or if they buy it home made then it's labor intensive so it hikes up the cost. Everything seems to have been turned on its head from back then until now 2016, like even hand writing a letter is a bare effort art form rather than a normal every day occurrence like my senior people tell me it used to be.

Many people who are growing up with tech as an extension of themselves are slowly beginning to appreciate kicking back old style and see the value of voluntary blackouts where you just have to go do something else other than be hooked into your stream. There's value in learning from more senior people, because they're valuable.

Personally I like reading actual books, they smell nice.

Sharia Law - Personal Issue - Part 1

I am going to court soon with a case against my ex husband for domestic abuse and detaining me against my will. I didn't bring the case, I never would have but it was proceeded with on my behalf. So with the case being close, I've been thinking about what happened a lot recently.

I best not go into directly what's going on but I can say in a general way what concerns me.

If there was a situation where a husband grievously injured his wife, in the knowledge and presence of another man and the wife complained to a Sharia Council, it would appear to me that she wouldn't be believed if the two men lied and backed up each others' story. I need to know what happens in that situation. I don't know much about Sharia Law at all so I am going to ask a mufti this Thursday (ia).

I like to feel that I am more protected under Sharia than UK law but I am nervous to think that the witness statements from two *respectable* men in the community would have been accepted without question over and above my words.

You see,  in Islam, your sins are hidden by Allah (swt) which is a good thing because some of them might be so bad you would want Him (swt) to hide them away. That is the reason you don't speak about your sins at all to anyone. If Allah (swt) hides them then you would be uncovering them if you spoke about them to another person, thus undoing the grace and mercy of Allah (swt). I totally get why but it's problematic when you come to character and iman of a person, because to the community, a person could seem very upstanding going to Jummah, saying prayers every day, helping with charity, no smoking, drinking or swearing, no backbiting, all the external things that are seen and yet be a complete scumbag to your wife, your kids, your parents, in your financial integrity, your sexual integrity even and no one would be aware of it at all.

This leads to the other problem for me to understand in this situation which is that you do not think badly or speak badly of another Muslim brother/sister so... even if you know they did something bad or wrong, you don't speak of it. Not to other Muslims and certainly not to outsiders. You protect them, you forgive them and stay faithful to them, preferring to refer to them as being weak rather than cane them for being sinful and a bad Muslim.

All this seems to produce a negative outcome for the woman not getting justice and protection against two men who behave disgustingly and lie about their disgusting selves.

I asked a sister about this and she replied that none of us get justice in this world and that justice for all of us will only come when Allah (swt) finally judges us. She said we should be more concerned with our own sins than pointing out the sins of our brothers and sisters.

She is correct of course, however I would like to see how Sharia Law would work for me in this situation. It would be a hard ask to just suck it up and leave it to Allah (swt) but if this is the answer then I would accept it.

I will update in a Part Two, when I know more from the scholar.

Passive Bullies

I frieken hate bullies and I find it hard to keep my mouth shut when I come across one. The one we got at work has a really bad attitude without any obvious reason that I can see other than an immature knee-jerk against any authority. He is so powerless in his own life that he has to over-emphasise to his own self the little power that he can feel from daily interactions. He has no power in relationships to hold onto friends although he swears he has loads and he has zero power in communication to be interesting to regular people.

Most bullies are boring and the talkative ones are such a drain on your energy to listen to.

I don't think this bloke knows he's a bully though. I think if someone told him that, he would be crushed and upset, as he considers himself a sensitive person. I don't recognise any sensitivity in him, to me it seems he just says that because he feels emotional. To him, that equals sensitivity..

When he gets a stink on, he works really badly, letting down the team. He knows he is doing that, he knows he is ticking everyone off and making their own job intolerable and yet he continues. Line managers don't pull him up on his tardiness and bad attitude because they know he will curse them and be even harder to work with because he sulks and slows everyone down so badly much.

There's another bloke I know of who is similar and bullies his wife. Not actively, but with his bad attitude to her. He says all their marital problems (stagnation) are her fault and that he is just a victim of her indifference but as I have got to know him I realise that he is also insensitive, boring and immature. I'm not at all surprised that she is reacting badly to him because he doesn't see any fault in himself at all and any discussion that even implies he is in-part, responsible for his predicament, he gets a sulk on, moodiness holds the whole place to ransom until someone strokes his ego and provides him a way out as he can't even seem to regulate his own emotions - he is more subject to them.

Again, this man too thinks he is exciting and innovative, fun and interesting but he's just a bore with nothing in his life but his daily routine and he doesn't even bring anything to the table for discussion except topics that no one is interested in but people play along for a few moments so as not to be rude.

His wife is intelligent, deep and funny but she is extremely lonely because they are not soul mates. not in love, not anything in common personality wise. When he is in the physical mood she has his undivided attention but other than that their life is all about him and that's all he really talks about is himself.

I'm convinced that both these people can see who they really are and hate themselves so much because they feel powerless to do anything about it. Any hint of their own real reflection looking back at themselves sends them into their feet-stamping, emotional hostage behaviour. I do feel sorry for them both but seriously you can't have a successful relationship with anyone who is like that. It's doomed from the start as they can't accept any responsibility and their ego is way too fragile to progress. 

Working with them is a mare! I never know what the right thing is to do. Be real with them and have my own peace or placate them and use up a lot of my own internal resources in the process for the sake of others.

I've never been very patient or tolerant with people like this. I always think I am wasting time on babies who need to grow the heck up when I could be spending my time with people who really need help. But then others might argue, that people like this need help too, they're just stuck in a different kind of way. 

I said to a colleague that I come to work, to work, not to make friends. She said that you can't fall out with people at work because you have to work with them every day and it makes your day horrible and you also might need them at some point. If that's the case then you'd be sucking up to everyone your whole entire life! Just in case...

I'm not feelin it.