The M........... Word

A 'brother' implied that I didn't have any modesty (haya) the other day. If he had been in my presence I get the feeling he wouldn't have mustered the courage to voice such an opinion. If he had, he would have experienced something similar to standing too close to Big Ben when it chimed and most certainly would have left with the deafening gong of my response ringing in his ears. He typed it online so, that tells you how big his bells are.

It got me thinking about modesty which is an important theme throughout Islam. I want to highlight some thoughts about modest clothing.


Modesty and Congruence

Modesty is more than just your clothes, modesty first comes from inside and affects your clothes, your behaviour, your opinion of yourself, your general attitude and just about every area of life. I can't dress as a niqabi and call myself modest, there has to be congruence. It has to be a state of being of which my clothing only affirms.

I met this woman recently and I noticed her breasts before I saw her face! Bernadette - a beautiful, curvy, cheerful, lively personality who I had the pleasure of measuring up for a uniform at work...too funny! She told me what size she was but I asked to measure her to double check. Good job I did as her top was two sizes too small and her skirt was too! It was one of those weird situations that makes you do a double take - a niqabi woman totally covered and woman with all her womanliness proudly on display, both alone in the same room - just made me smile. I couldn't let the situation go unremarked so I just laughed and said to her "Look at us!" (makes me laugh even now when I think about it - seriously funny). As I was measuring her up she just kept saying "Sorry about me boobies girl". I liked her a lot immediately.

What I learned from her was that she had more integrity than I did and more congruence. Her personality matched her clothing matched her behaviour matched her lifestyle. She made me think of the last time I was wearing  niqab and screamed an obscenity at some lorry driver bloke for cutting me up.

In general, I think people are way too busy criticising others for where they don't measure up to notice where they, themselves fall down.


Imposed Modesty

If you impose modesty on another person, it will never be anything more than an outward prison that the person circumvents at the first opportunity. I hear stories from elderly residents at work where they used to hitch up their skirts on the way to school after they left home or unbutton their shirts a little lower. Hijabis tell me as teenagers they used to wear hijab but with pretty gold pins, sparkly embellishments, half a bottle of perfume, skinny jeans, the blackest eye liner and the loudest, redest lipstick. Also, Muslim men who wear the tightest of t shirts in the summer and even tighter jeans!

It's better to teach modesty and have a discussion about it. Allow any person to choose it, even a small kid. Making good choices starts from such an early age in life and if you allow it and guide it, instead of imposing it, then they are far more likely to make good choices when you let go of them in adulthood.

I was always quite modest as a teenager because I tried to remain physically safe from paedos and other fkwads who hung around kids homes but as a teen, no way would I have accepted any authoritative imposition on any topic. So what happens when your kid chooses what you consider to be inappropriate clothing for their age? Do you go all Hulk on them or do you play it down, under-react, keep praying, exercise patience and trust Allah (swt). What would happen if you stayed neutral and the moment you see something you like and is modest, praise them and hug them, tell them they look beautiful? It's rents who create conflict with teenagers I swear! Don't make a war about everything, try respecting another person's decision no matter how old they are and work with them. I think it would produce less friction and more mutual respect.

If we are taught and accept the concept of modesty and understand why it's valuable, then that will eventually reflect on our outward appearance and all other areas of life.