Anger: "Let it Go....Let it Go..."

We all have the capacity to carry a lot of anger around inside of us because of a parent (or anyone I suppose), that treated us badly. If left unchecked, sooner or later that anger will become part of us...then it will become all of us until it is the first thing others notice about us. Becoming an angry person happens so slow and will infect every other area of our lives without us truly being aware. Then one day we realise it has become too ingrained to change it.

I can't change what my mum did to me. I can't punish her for the rest of her life with my anger because if she was such an abusive parent, would it really vex her any? Doubt it. It would only infect me, my life, my future happiness and the life of my beautiful baby girl.


The reason I could be angry...

My mum clearly didn't have the capacity in her to care for me. She left me without food, without protection and without love. I was one of them babies who used not to cry, like not ever, even when the doctor was examining the fractures I would either scream or shout out in pain but never cry. You get used to it that no one comes to help you so you never learn that crying elicits assistance, loving arms and comfort. How do I know this? Because I read some of my reports from when I was a kid and what those responsible for me wrote and also because of how I am now in adulthood. It is only recently since having a baby of my own that made my heart open to her smile, that I can cry when I feel extreme emotional pain. Someone said to me recently, "Don't cry, you're stronger than that". If they knew how much strength it takes for me to let it out when I am not used to doing that, they wouldn't have instructed me in such a ignorant manner.

Catherine, my mum, let all sorts of dangerous wasters into the flat where we lived with little or no regard to our safety. I remember being picked up off the floor by people I didn't want to be held by and struggling to get down. I remember bad smells everywhere from my environment and from people who came in and out. I can't bear to go into a skanky place now because it makes me feel claustrophobic and I instantly feel like I am a tiny kid. I mean, I can do it and I deal with it so that on the surface no one would know what I'm experiencing, but inside I am not feeling good, like I want to get out real fast, like I can't breathe. I am generally really sensitive to odour, good and bad I can't tolerate strong smells. My shower gel is fragrance-free and even though I love perfume, I have to put it on with a dropper from a bottle because even one spray, sprays too much for me. However, on the flip side, this is all excellent for my job as a HCA of course, as I can detect a (UTI) water infection at 50 meters! Too funny.

According to reports I have read about me, I used to eat anything I could find, raw bacon, old pizza, really anything within reach that was edible and some things that were not. I do recall feeling hungry, really hungry like it makes you feel sick you're so hungry. As I realised later on, eventually that feeling goes away and you get used to not doing anything about it. I have known people to over-eat in adulthood as a result of this similar childhood experience, but it had the opposite effect on me. Consequently, I have to eat now because it's a meal-time, as my feelings of hunger don't remind me to eat, I don't even realise I am feeling hungry until someone alerts me to my stomach rumbling.  The same with fluids, I could go all day without a drink and not realise that I am thirsty at all. The flip side to this is that, I can fast really well!

In the first 5 years of my life, I had old fractures, healed cigarette burns, I was malnourished and otherwise neglected. I, fortunately and unfortunately, landed in the system and subsequently grew up there.


What I learned...

As a result of my husband's family intervening, mum was drug-free and clean from Ramadan 2014 until well after Ramadan 2015 and in that time my relationship with her was total weirdness for me. I mean a big fat puzzle most of the time like I didn't even know what expression to put on my face.

As she detoxed, her usually gaunt-looking face, filled out, she went from being severely under-weight to a healthy size 10, her pale skin cleared up and became rosy, she went to the dentist and her smile looked nice, her naturally blonde hair became shiny because her diet improved and she started to look attractive even. So-much-so, that one day, I calculated that she was much closer to my husband's age group than I was and laughed when I realised why I had done that!

I used to look at her when she was asleep and know her face, speak to her and know her voice but I had no clue at all who she was. I didn't have any affection feelings towards her or any other feelings actually, not even of anger or resentment, just indifference, maybe not even indifference idk. Mum related to me like we were off some ad on TV like nothing bad had ever occurred between us which I wasn't mad about, just curious as to how she got to that place. I asked my husband if I should talk to her about growing up and he said no because it might upset her, haha... I did have quite a big reaction to him saying that but I kept it to myself and decided to mention it gently to her anyway.

I asked her if she remembered very much about me as a baby and all she seemed to remember were funny instances where I had made her laugh either doing or saying something. I probed a little deeper and told her I remembered feeling hungry a lot and she laughed and said I was always a hungry baby. I was slightly irritated by her answers and asked her bluntly if she felt Social Services had done the right thing when they took me off her at aged 5. I regretted asking that one as soon as it shot out my mouth but it was too late. She went quiet and finally said, yes because she couldn't cope with me. I left it before we really went there and changed the subject. She clearly didn't and still doesn't have the capacity. Even without the drugs, I don't know if she ever would have had it.


Why I think I am not angry...

1. The biggest one for me...I don't want to be that person. I decided at age 13 who and how I wanted to be in life and angry wasn't part of it.

2. It is a futile exercise to get into it with someone when the ground is not level to start with. If you do, you are simply exploiting their disadvantage and being abusive to them to make your own self feel better. You don't even feel better anyways...if you behave like this in a unequal situation you just end up feeling like a total c.

3. She is a mother and she is my mother. I don't say that with any loyalty to her. I say it out of respect to the status of motherhood. Islam has taught me this valuable lesson, alhamdulillah!

4. Finally, I used to have an old black leather man's, quite heavy, boot that I carried around with me when I was age 5-6ish I wouldn't let it go and would scream and bite if you took it off me. I remember sucking the laces (I know yuk) and cutting my mouth and hands on the metal hooks down the front. It was skanky and I needed to let it go. When I was first in hospital the nurse put a huge soft brown bear on the end of my cot which was so big I couldn't carry them both. I did try for a while but eventually I let go of the boot. If you choose not to be angry, then you have to put something in its place like kindness, warmth etc. something that you purposely do that actively moves you forward in the situation.

I was both kind and warm to my mum all that year and it allowed me to gain some healing that I wouldn't have got if I had been angry. But I had to jump in with both feet, I couldn't do it half-ass and begrudgingly. I had to decide to BE that person with all my heart. Trust her? No. Be vulnerable to her? No. Be her child and try to get what I didn't have? Nope. It's gone and I'm an adult now, I can only love her as an adult and expect nothing back as she is an addict and always will be, clean or not.

Some people call it 'being the bigger person' but I hate that phrase because it has a condescending air to it like a step to feel superior standing on. It's not a behaviour you employ, it's deeper than that, much deeper. It requires you to let the whole anger/resentment thing go. Seriously, just let it go!

That reminds me of a friend who sang a song...