Married One Year - Divorced The Next

I thought I had learned so much about the behaviour of abusive people given my physically violent start in life and I felt I had the knowledge and awareness to choose someone who would never smack me up. But somehow I still ended up marrying a physically abusive man.

My husband: quiet, studious, softly spoken, has a well mannered, polite son, respected in his community, does a lot of good work for others, takes care of his parents. For the first year that we spent married, he was calm, polite, respectful, generous, helpful, thoughtful and never hurt me. We didn't even argue and he never raised even his voice not to his son and never to me when I made errors. Always let me know in advance when he 'needed me' if you get me and I was getting used to his routine and making him happy. We were both happy. No idea at all what was around the corner.

Then out of the blue, the first punch that fractured my eye socket, he apologised for and I thought to myself, that doesn't make him an abuser just because he lost it once. Maybe we need some guidance and advice. The second hit a little later, I didn't give him chance to apologise. I knew this would continue and would maybe even get worse. Especially as his first wife had reported him on 3 or 4 occasions for domestic abuse which I found out by accident. That second punch woke me up from la-la-land.

I spent some time trying to figure out how this all happened. How I allowed this to happen. How I became that woman included in the stats of women who follow the cycle of familial abuse. I stumbled upon this article online by Steven Stosny Ph.D, and laughed in disbelief as I read it because some of it described exactly where I had gone wrong.

Hindsight sucks!

"Very Early Warning Sign #1 : A Blamer: Avoid anyone who blames his negative feelings and bad luck on someone else. Special care is necessary here, as blamers can be really seductive in dating."

I didn't date him so I wouldn't know about seduction, he's not the seductive kind anyhow and I didn't think my husband was a blamer. He takes responsibility for himself and expects others to but he did at one time say that his current limited situation was due to the death of his first wife, which I figured was a pretty reasonable statement and understandable given that he might be still grieving. I remember thinking that maybe he just needed the love of a new and very different woman to comfort him. Then I read this below...

"Hearing this kind of thing might make you think that all he really needs is the understanding and love of a good woman to change his luck."

This was the first heart-sink of recognition for me. Thinking you can fix someone. Now I type it out loud, I can see how dumb it is. You can't change anyone, not even to fix them. I should have only looked for a whole person not a broken one but I just felt sympathy because I recognised I wasn't the finished article myself so, how can I offer myself with my flaws and faults and expect the other person not to have any. I just didn't see this as that big of a deal.

"Very Early Warning Sign #3: Entitlement
Driven by high standards..."

He has such high standards and expects others to as well. I knew this going in and figured it would enable me to bring my best game to our marriage. I didn't in any way see this as a precursor of abuse but maybe together with other characteristics in a person, could be unhealthy I guess.

"After the glow of infatuation wears off, the entitled person will regard his feelings and desire as more important than yours. If you agree, you'll get depressed. If you disagree, you'll get abused."

This is exactly what started to happen after that first year. I noticed some tweaks we could make to our relationship and encouraged them. He wasn't happy with my suggestions and set about letting me know. I couldn't understand why he was so bothered by such simple and benign tweaks but I guess looking back on it now, knowing his unusual views...

"Very Early Warning Sign #4 Superiority 
Potential abusers tend to have hierarchical self-esteem, i.e., they need to feel better than someone else to feel okay about themselves. They need to point out ways in which they are smarter, more sensitive, or more talented than others...........A variation on this very early warning sign is self-righteousness. If you dare to disagree with him, you will not only be wrong but immoral!"

I took this to be a high self-esteem, which I liked and was attracted to in him and self confidence is a good thing. What I didn't realise, until I disagreed with him, was that I had become exactly that in his eyes, immoral. After me suggesting that we might be more affectionate to each other, he told me I was either to be his wife or his whore and he asked me... which was it to be? He regarded kissing and other affectionate expressions within a regular day for a regular couple, to be part of the "seductiveness of a whore" (his words not mine). A wife is supposed to be above this carnal need and instead keep herself shy and quiet at all times!

Given that we didn't have a relationship before we got married, I had no idea of his views. I did think our first year was a bit different to how I imagined but the thing is, I so looked up to him and felt so blessed to have married him and got a family....I had a family....my family where I belonged, I didn't want to rock that boat and was just grateful for having that. I know...I know...what you're thinking if you're reading this. It's exactly what I would be thinking too if I was reading.

"A greater sense of your core values will give you more confidence that you can detect the very early warning signs of abuse. Listen compassionately to the faint messages of your hungry heart. Then it won't need to make the kind of desperate outcries that suspend your best judgment, scare off appropriate matches, and attract resentful, angry, or abusive partners."

Thing is, I would have said I had good core values and still believe I do. What I didn't do is recognise and admit that I had a "hungry heart" as Steven Stosny Ph.D, puts it. Pride was an issue for me and to admit needs was a weakness so I didn't ever admit many/any. I did get married quickly maybe because I was scared and possibly did 'suspend my best judgement' and I def would have 'scared off' more appropriate matches with my defensiveness.

22 and soon to be divorced. Totally gave myself to the wrong person.

And if I had any doubts about not getting divorced...my husband gave my mum notice of eviction to leave his other property and I have no idea where she is now. Probably back with her old smack heads getting wrecked. I thought his help in getting her clean was generosity and compassion but I realise now it was simply an extra means of control.