You have to also ask the other person how they receive love too....not how you want to give it to them. I know it seems dumb but it's actually really helpful. I bet if you asked your significant other about this list, you might be surprised what they would answer.
For instance, below is how I receive love. Where as my friend Sophie said she likes her love to be in the form of expensive gifts and flowers. So it would be no good Sophie's boyfriend trying to show love to her by doing acts of service for her, she said she wouldn't notice or appreciate them.
(A) Words of Affirmation...I get so embarrassed about this when it happens. I never know what to say. Even 'thank you' seems awkward and I visibly go red which I hate. So this one is truly uncomfortable and I don't prefer it, so it's my number 4
(B) Acts of Service... yeh I like this one. This would include bringing up your kid. Being a good wife. Doing the laundry, making a cup of tea....etc. I like this one because it's mostly indirect and yet really powerful that you are choosing to love someone even when you're tired and feeling lazy, if you still do things then you are forcing yourself to put another first. Sometimes that's easy; sometimes not so much. This would be number 2 on my list.
(C) Receiving Gifts... Nope, hate this one, hate it, for me.....nope. Too funny. Oh wait, unless it is something meaningful like something cooked or like the mum in one of my foster homes that made me a embroidered pencil case with my name on it. I really loved that so much. This is number 5 for me, right at the bottom. Generally I'm not a gifts person.
(D) Quality Time... Not especially. I mean I like time with someone who I love but not like....contrived time....especially set apart for me only. I hate that kind of attention haha....it makes me embarrassed too. If it happened naturally then sure, I would love it but Quality Time, suggests it's set apart especially. Number 3 on my list.
(E) Physical Touch... This is my number one. It's my most awkward one as I still never had it even though I was married for over a year, he didn't like to hug or anything and I wasn't confident enough to initiate it for the whole entire year ha!. I love hugging my baby girl though and rocking her to sleep.
So based on this list, I probably would love someone in the same way that I like to be loved. Which wouldn't be appropriate for someone else. Be it a friend, family or husband. We all need to be aware of how the other person receives love and act accordingly.
I don't think the concept of 'love' exists .Ask a thousand people to define love and you will probably get a thousand different answers. The nearest I can get to it is 'acceptance' Starting with the acceptance of yourself and its unlimited limitations and foibles ;once that mountain has been climbed accepting others and THEIR baggage becomes possible xx
ReplyDeleteOk well, thanks for your comment. The reason you might get a thousand different answers is because love is a umbrella that has many aspects to it. A lot of people confuse it with need and that's hard to separate sometimes. Acceptance...is limited as it embraces, which is good, but it doesn't cover expression and love is expressive too. So acceptance doesn't cover it for me but as you suggest, it's a good starting point. No but even then, you never can climb that mountain as, it's a organic thing that happens across a lifetime. Maybe acceptance is the vehicle you need to be on, to be able to give and receive love effectively. Idk, wtf do I know!? Even if I scratch round the edges and learn to get enough right to be able to be a competent mother then I will be happy.
ReplyDeleteThanks again for your comment it's really helpful.
How is it possible to communicate about something that to you is one thing and to another it is something totally different. Thats why sadly on that basis academically its pointless saying those meaningless sweet three little words to some-one and realistically expecting mutual understanding of what was expressed.
ReplyDeleteOn the subject of expression of"love" your view confuses me because the expression of love has to first pass through the filter of a personality so each expression of love is unique and of course not uniform and easy to recognize. Anyway just sharing a mere perspective xx
How is it possible? I believe by focusing on actions. Actions cross all personalities and don't have to be based on a mutual understanding. Expression of love however is different and varies from person to person and this is where I see your idea of acceptance come in handy. Accepting the other persons expression of love even if you don't understand it.
DeleteThis has been nice.