Sat on a Tuffat

I wonder if, aside from jumping spiders, all other spiders know that their legs could be springy if they bend them at the knees. I don't even know if they're called knees! I guess they don't, or they would jump. Maybe they do jump and they just keep it a secret as I've never seen one jump. Maybe when they are about to swing on their fine webby stuff to get to the other side when they're making a web, they push off with a jump. I've never seen that either. I wonder if they also know that they can tap their legs in a rhythm. I've heard spiders are pretty smart ....omg I wonder if they are musical.... I wonder if they do things for fun or is that just a human trait. How much stuff can a person even know about animals/insects anyway, there's only so much you can observe, who has the time to do that!? Apart from people who get paid to observe them of course.

I wish someone would observe me and let me know who the heck I am, save me the trouble.

...and what the heck is a tuffet!?

Dementia: Don't be scared

A lot if people are scared of people with dementia. They see people walking around behaving in a bizarre way, looking and dressing in a way that indicates some obvious madness and having, in some cases, no social inhibitions any more. It can be scary to look into your own future and wonder if you will end up like this. Well, my view on it is, if we do end up with a form of dementia, then we'd want the best staff and resources looking after us wouldn't we? So all the more reason to take hold of this topic yourself and help build a better tomorrow for us all.

People are scared because they can't relate to the person now. They don't speak a common language but when you address someone with this disease, depending on which type they have or how advanced it is, they will have a new way of communicating that we just have to learn. For some people with dementia, they communicate fine but just forget recent events and conversations and so become repetitive. For friends and relatives, that can be irritating, especially if you don't quite understand because you just told them like 3 seconds ago. 

At work there used to be a guy who was an old school market trader. So he communicated with women as darlin' sweedaar' and gal. That's the language he used if you're a woman and it was mate if you were a man. He got agitated when we didn't respond in like manner. So we'd know that's how he likes to chat, bit of banter, want a cup of tea, "c'mon darlin' I'm doing the laundry this mornin' let's have them trousers..." if you needed him to change his clothes because he's not giving them up. He could become quite irritated and aggressive so, we all had to fit into his view and experience as much as possible to keep him calm and relaxed and having fun. It must be so frightening for the person with this awful disease, when everyone and everything around you seems different and alien to you. When staff join that person in their world, even if only briefly, it is a way of helping them feel less alone and more comforted.

Another really posh lady it's shoes. She has replacement words so her word shoes covers a lot of things. If I'm like... "Hi Daphney (not her real name) how are you this morning?" And she's like "my bloody shoes.. filthy dirty shoes" then I know she either needs to use the bathroom or needs help with changing, or it could be there is something bothering her generally. If she's like "lovely shoes oh look such lovely shoes" then I know we're all good.You have to get to know the person, in many ways, over again if you knew them before.

Please don't be scared. There is a person in there and even when you say hello and greet them,  they will know it and appreciate being acknowledged. Long term memory is good in most all cases... its the short term memory that is disabled, so tap into that long term memory and you will be giving that person such comfort on what must be such a lonely place to be for them..

To Smile

To smile is Sunnah that means The Prophet peace and blessing be on Him did it a lot and to copy His action is blessed.

But smiling is a weird thing. Have you noticed there are such a variety of smiles?  I don't mean within one person but from person to person a smile tells you so much about a person and I love to observe things about a person that they're unaware of. Not because I am sneaky or for bad intent but simply because I want to get to know the real person, not the one they want me to see. Everyone has that public face on, we all do and it's natural there's nothing wrong with that. Mine usually covers my embarrassment and social awkwardness. I come across really bubbly, confident and extrovert but if you observed my smile you would know that I am quite shy and awkward in public and with people in general.

Some people have a automatic smile. It's usually one where their teeth are showing and it usually comes from people who deal with public as their job, hospitality industry, sales or they might not be in this industry at all but they might be a people pleaser. They will often have a different smile when they are at home with their family or they might not smile at all, some people just don't.

Some people look like they are in pain when they smile. Some people have a weird kind of *feed me* scary smile where they just need so much from you. Others can look angry even when they smile and I particularly love, love, love the smile that that has a very preoccupied person behind it. It comes to their face like a flash and disappears as quick as it got there; too funny!

It's considered mentally healthy to smile, because a lot of people laugh but few smile. Laughing is not the sign of a happy person, it could come from a deeply unhappy person and sometimes can be manic and difficult to be around someone who laughs especially at things that are not particularly funny. I am a happy person and I love fun! But I have been out with work colleagues and because I wasn't continually laughing, shouting "woohoo!!!" and all the other dumb things the group were doing, they got quite aggressive with me saying I wasn't having fun. I pointed out that neither were they really. They were simply on a social treadmill of expected behaviour when girls are out and fearful of being accused of being dull so they made sure they were loud, laughing and being certain to appear as though they were the *life and soul of the party*. To me it wasn't fun, it was sad.

So look for someone who smiles as well as laughs. Even if they do have mental health issues it will show they are coping with them and dealing with their life well.

If a smile lingers and the face relaxes slowly then it was genuine. It means the person is still thinking of what it was that made them smile even after they smiled. If a smile disappears instantly it wasn't genuine but probably because of their job or some *please like me* thing they got going on.

Did you see that some people sparkle when they smile it's delicious and I find it hard not to stare. It's like their whole face lights up inside and out. It's part of what makes someone beautiful whether they are superficially ugly or not.

Dry Bones

I am in a privileged position to be able to hear accounts of how life was way back when, as my job allows me twelve hours a day contact with seniors.

To a lot of people this generation is invisible and their needs are overlooked as their productivity to society is zero. When really, sometimes this can be where a lot of wisdom and experience is at,  this is where the conclusions in life are drawn and this is where words suddenly become important as each day they may be their last words ever spoken.

I hear stories of people walking everywhere because cars were a luxury and financially out of many average peoples' reach. Obesity was rare as people walked everywhere and also appreciated their food more because they'd lived through rations so portion sizes were realistic. Kids kicked about more outside. No kid was rushed off to A&E at the first sign of a deep cut because the mum or dad cleaned it and dressed it themselves with bandages they had in the house sterilized at home as they didn't want to bother the doctor or hospital unless it was absolutely necessary.

I heard that it was cheaper to make your own clothes, bake your own snacks and cook your own meals. And that living in the country you were considered a bit more backward than if you lived in the city.

Today you have to have wads to live in the country unless you join some weird off grid community. It's seen as a treat to be away from the stress of rabbit-hutch living and city pollution. To home bake or sew anything is way more expensive than it used to be because the ingredients are a lot and expensive too and people can't afford the time themselves or if they buy it home made then it's labor intensive so it hikes up the cost. Everything seems to have been turned on its head from back then until now 2016, like even hand writing a letter is a bare effort art form rather than a normal every day occurrence like my senior people tell me it used to be.

Many people who are growing up with tech as an extension of themselves are slowly beginning to appreciate kicking back old style and see the value of voluntary blackouts where you just have to go do something else other than be hooked into your stream. There's value in learning from more senior people, because they're valuable.

Personally I like reading actual books, they smell nice.

Sharia Law - Personal Issue - Part 1

I am going to court soon with a case against my ex husband for domestic abuse and detaining me against my will. I didn't bring the case, I never would have but it was proceeded with on my behalf. So with the case being close, I've been thinking about what happened a lot recently.

I best not go into directly what's going on but I can say in a general way what concerns me.

If there was a situation where a husband grievously injured his wife, in the knowledge and presence of another man and the wife complained to a Sharia Council, it would appear to me that she wouldn't be believed if the two men lied and backed up each others' story. I need to know what happens in that situation. I don't know much about Sharia Law at all so I am going to ask a mufti this Thursday (ia).

I like to feel that I am more protected under Sharia than UK law but I am nervous to think that the witness statements from two *respectable* men in the community would have been accepted without question over and above my words.

You see,  in Islam, your sins are hidden by Allah (swt) which is a good thing because some of them might be so bad you would want Him (swt) to hide them away. That is the reason you don't speak about your sins at all to anyone. If Allah (swt) hides them then you would be uncovering them if you spoke about them to another person, thus undoing the grace and mercy of Allah (swt). I totally get why but it's problematic when you come to character and iman of a person, because to the community, a person could seem very upstanding going to Jummah, saying prayers every day, helping with charity, no smoking, drinking or swearing, no backbiting, all the external things that are seen and yet be a complete scumbag to your wife, your kids, your parents, in your financial integrity, your sexual integrity even and no one would be aware of it at all.

This leads to the other problem for me to understand in this situation which is that you do not think badly or speak badly of another Muslim brother/sister so... even if you know they did something bad or wrong, you don't speak of it. Not to other Muslims and certainly not to outsiders. You protect them, you forgive them and stay faithful to them, preferring to refer to them as being weak rather than cane them for being sinful and a bad Muslim.

All this seems to produce a negative outcome for the woman not getting justice and protection against two men who behave disgustingly and lie about their disgusting selves.

I asked a sister about this and she replied that none of us get justice in this world and that justice for all of us will only come when Allah (swt) finally judges us. She said we should be more concerned with our own sins than pointing out the sins of our brothers and sisters.

She is correct of course, however I would like to see how Sharia Law would work for me in this situation. It would be a hard ask to just suck it up and leave it to Allah (swt) but if this is the answer then I would accept it.

I will update in a Part Two, when I know more from the scholar.

Passive Bullies

I frieken hate bullies and I find it hard to keep my mouth shut when I come across one. The one we got at work has a really bad attitude without any obvious reason that I can see other than an immature knee-jerk against any authority. He is so powerless in his own life that he has to over-emphasise to his own self the little power that he can feel from daily interactions. He has no power in relationships to hold onto friends although he swears he has loads and he has zero power in communication to be interesting to regular people.

Most bullies are boring and the talkative ones are such a drain on your energy to listen to.

I don't think this bloke knows he's a bully though. I think if someone told him that, he would be crushed and upset, as he considers himself a sensitive person. I don't recognise any sensitivity in him, to me it seems he just says that because he feels emotional. To him, that equals sensitivity..

When he gets a stink on, he works really badly, letting down the team. He knows he is doing that, he knows he is ticking everyone off and making their own job intolerable and yet he continues. Line managers don't pull him up on his tardiness and bad attitude because they know he will curse them and be even harder to work with because he sulks and slows everyone down so badly much.

There's another bloke I know of who is similar and bullies his wife. Not actively, but with his bad attitude to her. He says all their marital problems (stagnation) are her fault and that he is just a victim of her indifference but as I have got to know him I realise that he is also insensitive, boring and immature. I'm not at all surprised that she is reacting badly to him because he doesn't see any fault in himself at all and any discussion that even implies he is in-part, responsible for his predicament, he gets a sulk on, moodiness holds the whole place to ransom until someone strokes his ego and provides him a way out as he can't even seem to regulate his own emotions - he is more subject to them.

Again, this man too thinks he is exciting and innovative, fun and interesting but he's just a bore with nothing in his life but his daily routine and he doesn't even bring anything to the table for discussion except topics that no one is interested in but people play along for a few moments so as not to be rude.

His wife is intelligent, deep and funny but she is extremely lonely because they are not soul mates. not in love, not anything in common personality wise. When he is in the physical mood she has his undivided attention but other than that their life is all about him and that's all he really talks about is himself.

I'm convinced that both these people can see who they really are and hate themselves so much because they feel powerless to do anything about it. Any hint of their own real reflection looking back at themselves sends them into their feet-stamping, emotional hostage behaviour. I do feel sorry for them both but seriously you can't have a successful relationship with anyone who is like that. It's doomed from the start as they can't accept any responsibility and their ego is way too fragile to progress. 

Working with them is a mare! I never know what the right thing is to do. Be real with them and have my own peace or placate them and use up a lot of my own internal resources in the process for the sake of others.

I've never been very patient or tolerant with people like this. I always think I am wasting time on babies who need to grow the heck up when I could be spending my time with people who really need help. But then others might argue, that people like this need help too, they're just stuck in a different kind of way. 

I said to a colleague that I come to work, to work, not to make friends. She said that you can't fall out with people at work because you have to work with them every day and it makes your day horrible and you also might need them at some point. If that's the case then you'd be sucking up to everyone your whole entire life! Just in case...

I'm not feelin it.

Ruling on the crime of rape

Source IslamQA

72338: Ruling on the crime of rape

What is the ruling on the crime of rape in Islam?

Published Date: 2005-08-22

Praise be to Allaah.

The Arabic word ightisaab refers to taking something wrongfully by force. It is now used exclusively to refer to transgression against the honour of women by force (rape).

This is an abhorrent crime that is forbidden in all religions and in the minds of all wise people and those who are possessed of sound human nature. All earthly systems and laws regard this action as abhorrent and impose the strictest penalties on it, except a few states which waive the punishment if the rapist marries his victim! This is indicative of a distorted mind let alone a lack of religious commitment on the part of those who challenge Allaah in making laws. We do not know of any love or compassion that could exist between the aggressor and his victim, especially since the pain of rape cannot be erased with the passage of time – as it is said. Hence many victims of rape have attempted to commit suicide and many of them have succeeded, The failure of these marriages is proven and they are accompanied by nothing but humiliation and suffering for the woman.

Islam has a clear stance which states that this repugnant action is haraam and imposes a deterrent punishment on the one who commits it.

Islam closes the door to the criminal who wants to commit this crime. Western studies have shown that most rapists are already criminals who commit their crimes under the influence of alcohol and drugs, and they take advantage of the fact that their victims are walking alone in isolated places, or staying in the house alone. These studies also show that what the criminals watch on the media and the semi-naked styles of dress in which women go out, also lead to the commission of this reprehensible crime.

The laws of Islam came to protect women's honour and modesty. Islam forbids women to wear clothes that are not modest and to travel without a mahram; it forbids a woman to shake hands with a non-mahram man. Islam encourages young men and women to marry early, and many other rulings which close the door to rape. Hence it comes as no surprise when we hear or read that most of these crimes occur in permissive societies which are looked up to by some Muslims as examples of civilization and refinement! In America – for example – International Amnesty stated in a 2004 report entitled “Stop Violence Against Women” that every 90 seconds a woman was raped during that year. What kind of life are these people living? What refinement and civilization do they want the Muslim women to take part in?

The punishment for rape in Islam is same as the punishment for zina, which is stoning if the perpetrator is married, and one hundred lashes and banishment for one year if he is not married.

Some scholars also say that he is required to pay a mahr to the woman.

Imam Maalik (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

In our view the man who rapes a woman, whether she is a virgin or not, if she is a free woman he must pay a “dowry” like that of her peers, and if she is a slave he must pay whatever has been detracted from her value. The punishment is to be carried out on the rapist and there is no punishment for the woman who has been raped, whatever the case. End quote.

Al-Muwatta’, 2/734

Shaykh Salmaan al-Baaji (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

In the case of a woman who is forced (raped): if she is a free woman, the one who forced her must pay her a “dowry” like that of her peers, and the hadd punishment is to be carried out on him. This is the view of al-Shaafa’i, and it is the view of al-Layth, and it was also narrated from ‘Ali ibn Abi Taalib (may Allaah be pleased with him).

Abu Haneefah and al-Thawri said: the hadd punishment is to be carried out on him but he is not obliged to pay the “dowry”.

The evidence for what we say is that the hadd punishment and the “dowry” are two rights, one of which is the right of Allaah and the other is the right of the other person. So they may be combined, as in the case of a thief whose hand is cut off and he is required to return the stolen goods. End quote.

Al-Muntaha Sharh al-Muwatta’, 5/268, 269

Ibn ‘Abd al-Barr (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

The scholars are unanimously agreed that the rapist is to be subjected to the hadd punishment if there is clear evidence against him that he deserves the hadd punishment, or if he admits to that. Otherwise, he is to be punished (i.e., if there is no proof that the hadd punishment for zina may be carried out against him because he does not confess, and there are not four witnesses, then the judge may punish him and stipulate a punishment that will deter him and others like him). There is no punishment for the woman if it is true that he forced her and overpowered her, which may be proven by her screaming and shouting for help. End quote.

Al-Istidhkaar, 7/146

Secondly:

The rapist is subject to the hadd punishment for zina, even if the rape was not carried out at knife-point or gun-point. If the use of a weapon was threatened, then he is a muhaarib, and is to be subjected to the hadd punishment described in the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“The recompense of those who wage war against Allaah and His Messenger and do mischief in the land is only that they shall be killed or crucified or their hands and their feet be cut off from opposite sides, or be exiled from the land. That is their disgrace in this world, and a great torment is theirs in the Hereafter”

[al-Maaidah 5:33]

So the judge has the choice of the four punishments mentioned in this verse, and may choose whichever he thinks is most suitable to attain the objective, which is to spread peace and security in society, and ward off evildoers and aggressors.

See also question no. 41682

And Allaah knows best.